Part of me wants to be proud of the scene for its exploration of sex; its non-repressive, open, and hopefully judgement-free stance. As well as a psychotherapist, I am a gay man.
By Andy Connolly
Drugs, alcohol and sex can be fun, their use non-problematic. Drugs can reduce inhibitions and anxiety, and help people make connections. Gay men can function and work, as well as play. They can heighten experiences, enrich lives, and make people feel good. Surely this can be good for mental health?
The other part of me wants to say no…Alcohol and drug use are problematic on the scene. I work with many gay and bi men who come to PACE looking for help. They feel isolated and depressed. They use sex and drugs as a way to fill a void, a gap. They are looking for intimacy, a connection, but instead they feel objectified, worthless. The ‘chemsex scene’ chews them up, and spits them out. Surely this is bad for mental health?
I often feel this conflict at work, in sessions with my clients. It is a reflection, I believe, that they are torn, conflicted and split, too. Is their drug use damaging their mental health, or is it just under control? It can be really hard for them or me to know for sure, and it is maybe a dilemma you face, too?
This tear, this conflict, this split is self-evident on the scene at large. Look on Grindr, and see proud invites for sex parties, ‘chilling’, ‘chemsex now.’ We also see the exact opposite: rejections of the ‘chemsex whore’, DDF, and anything except ‘clean’ living. Grindr can characterise a person entirely on their chemsex preferences. For or against, good or bad, this split is rigid.
Chemsex is not the only thing that gets split. Mental health in general does, too. It is too tempting to divide the world into – those that have mental health ‘problems’, ‘issues’ or ‘illnesses’ – and those that don’t.
But we all have mental health.
I wonder if we can move away from this tear, this conflict, this split. Maybe we can move away from the ‘either/or’ towards the ‘both/and’. The middle position.
“Can we move away from the idea that chemsex is either good or bad? Maybe it is both.”
The middle position is a difficult one to occupy. And perhaps that makes it the most helpful. It is hard to ask ourselves difficult questions, and to stop, think, consider them. It is far easier to defend or deny, say I’m alright, it’s others that have ‘the problem.’ I see this every day in my consulting room. But after achieving the middle position I also see a lot of happiness, people feeling better, and men feeling more in control of their lives.
Can we move away from the idea that chemsex is either good or bad? Maybe it is both. At the right time, for the right people, perhaps it is fine. Maybe it can start as fine, but become a problem. Maybe for some it will never be a problem, and for others it will always be. What is universal though is the need for us to routinely, honestly look around us for those lines – the lines that mark when something does become a problem, or marks where something we do stops being something we actually want.
And exactly the same for our mental health, which is inextricably linked to our physical health and our drug use. We can all potentially become mentally unwell. Can we recognise the signs that we are heading towards mental ill-health? I know for a fact that many people that do become unwell don’t see it coming. Perhaps occupying the middle position will help us to spot the warning signs and change our behaviour, or ask for help. Perhaps the middle position could well be the secret to staying mentally well?
• Andy Connolly is Online Relationship Counsellor & Young People’s Counsellor at the PACE LGBT Mental Health Charity www.pacehealth.org.uk
