The Shame & Sexuality series: Jeremy Joseph

G-A-Y head mistress Jeremy Joseph undertakes his sixth London Marathon in aid of the Elton John AIDS Foundation this weekend… not bad going for lil’ gay boy that once bunked off sports in school because he always got picked last.

The easiest way to describe my life at school in sport? It was very simple: you know when you get the two most popular boys in the class and they pick their teams? I was always the one left at the end and they would argue not to have me. I went to an all-boys school that played rugby and it scared me. The thought of a man tackling me scared me. (Now, of course, I love it.)

It made me feel like I should do Drama, and I did. My drama teacher was amazing. When games was on I used to go and hide in the drama block and help him out. Everything in my life has been based on me doing what I think I’m good at, so I was crap at sport at school, so I focused on other things.

I knew all my life I was gay, and I fancied my best friend. I was the class clown so I think that saved me from being picked on for being gay. It wasn’t the nicest of places, it was a very rough school. I wasn’t open about being gay, but one day I tried to come out. I told two guys at school, but both reacted negatively and I backtracked in a school-boy style saying I had just said it to see if they were gay. I had to go back in the closet.

“I always thought I was fat, and hated my body. I can’t put a reason on it, it was just always the way I felt.”

Since the age of sixteen I thought I was fat, and I did the stupidest things. I took diet pills and other stuff to kill my appetite to stop myself eating. I don’t know where that perception came from, always thinking that I am fat and hating my body. I can’t put a reason on it. It was just always the way I felt. I have things like I’ve worn the same belt for six years because it has a notch on it that I have to fit in, and I weigh myself twice a day.


But it got to the point where I was fucking up my body taking so many pills. It caused depression and mood swings and I couldn’t do it any more. I woke up one morning, and I’d got myself down to seven stone and decided to change it.

I tried going to the gym, but every personal trainer I used tried to make me do things that weren’t right for me, like making me bigger and more muscular and it wasn’t what I wanted. I got my own treadmill at home and it helped with my eating disorder because it gave me the courage to eat. I use the word courage, because that’s how I perceived it. I could justify having a proper meal because I could run the next day to burn the calories off.

One day we had a power cut and the whole street was out, so I went out to do a street run instead. I used to run an hour a day, but outside I could only manage two minutes. I thought it was ridiculous so I started running outside. One of the guys I ran with suggested he could get me a place in the London Marathon and I went along with it as a joke, putting it on Facebook and setting up a Justgiving page. I got sponsorship quite quickly and I suddenly thought, “Fuck, now I actually have to do it.”

I was petrified. I didn’t know what I’d let myself in for. I remember doing one run for about 12 or 13 miles and threw-up. As time went on I learned little things about taking carb gels at the right time, and how important it was to do sports massages regularly and wearing knee supports during training, not waiting until you have an injury.

When I finished my first London Marathon, I wanted to start crying. I swore when I did it, I’d never do it again. But now six years later, I’m still doing it. But I learned it helps me with my eating disorder, it keeps me healthy, and it keeps me running.

However, this year has been a nightmare, because I gotten over confidant and I over-trained and now have a shin splint injury. I had a dream of doing a four-hour marathon, but it’s not going to happen, I’ll be lucky if I don’t have to walk it!

 

Sponsor Jeremy at: www.justgiving.com/G-A-Y

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