Together at Christmas

By Patrick Cash

Christmas is a beautiful time of year. Beyond the chain coffee-shop workers forced to dress up as Santa’s Little Helpers and the psychological warfare upon toddlers that constitutes a Disney Store advertising campaign, there’s a spirit of being together with your nearest and most tolerable, until the treacherous third bottle of cava is popped.

Whether you believe the enchanting story that one special baby survived a murderous cull that gruesomely stabbed every other baby in Bethlehem or not – ‘the greatest story that was ever told’, according to Christians – the humanity of the season still appeals to most. Christmas is a celebration of love.

But perhaps the majority of us take it for granted that we’ll have a loving family to exchange unwanted gifts with and scream at over Monopoly, before eventually dozing off together on the sofa in front of a boozy Downton Abbey. For some LGBT+ people the 25th of December is just another day to get through, albeit one where the buses aren’t running and the shops are closed.

“Perhaps the majority of us take it for granted that we’ll have a loving family to exchange unwanted gifts with”

‘I spent my first Christmas alone about ten years ago,’ says Timothy Lock, a manager in the hospitality industry. ‘I would usually try and schedule myself to work on Christmas, but this was a year when other people had volunteered to work. I drank more than I should have and tried to lose myself in the story of Love Actually.

‘I think this must happen more to LGBT people. Speaking from my own personal experience, I had a family who was not accepting of me being gay. I also thought that I must be the only sorry person who didn’t have anyone to spend Christmas with. Drinking to forget was the only way I knew how to put on a brave face. I wish I knew then what I know now.’

It seems this feeling of being the ‘only one’ experiencing isolation is as deeply prevalent as it is false. The London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard (0300 330 0630) provides a vital community helpline that is open for people to ring on Christmas Day. ‘Some people ring just to wish us Happy Christmas,’ says Natasha Walker, a LLGS press officer. ‘There tend to be fewer calls on the day itself, but they are often from the people who most need to call.’

Indeed, one of the volunteers at the Switchboard had a tale to tell about her Christmas Day shift. ‘I was on for three hours and only had one call. But that call was one of the most important I’ve ever received. It was a very lovely man who had found himself alone at Christmas and suddenly, on the day, decided that he actually wanted to spend Christmas with other gay people.

“The important thing is to learn to swallow your pride and admit to others that you don’t have plans.” – Timothy Lock

‘He wanted to talk to us and to find out where there might be a gay Christmas party near him. We were able to provide details of a local LGBT pub that had an event, and he subsequently phoned back to say how much he had enjoyed it and how glad he was that he had called us. Calls like that make it all worthwhile.’

Gay bars in London that are open on Christmas Day include The Two Brewers in Clapham, The Black Cap in Camden and The George & Dragon in Greenwhich. We’re not advising people to sink themselves in gin, but as well as pouring pints public houses are there for their public; in this case the gay community of London. Other venues, like The Joiners’ Arms, throw a Christmas Day dinner for their foreign staff who can’t go back home.

Down the road from The Joiners, Positive East in Whitechapel is providing its first Christmas Lunch for its users this year. Places are limited and only open to those who are registered, but it is the start of a pioneering community outreach initiative that benefits not only the charity’s own members but also service users of The Food Chain. And even if you can’t get a place, there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer.

‘If people would like to spread some festive cheer and lighten up the lives of people with HIV who would otherwise be feeling isolated and rather lonely on Christmas Day, please get in touch with me,’ says Paul Fleming, Positive East’s Director of Fundraising and Communications. Volunteering roles include kitchen staff, reception (rota’d so that everybody gets something to eat!), drivers and entertainers. ‘Our experience of Christmas Day activities is that they tend to be very enjoyable!’ adds Siobhan Lanigan of The Food Chain.

But perhaps the LGBT+ people who are affected most by isolation at Christmas time, are those who have been literally cast out by their families for being who they are. ‘Christmas can be a difficult time for young people who are hiding their sexual orientation or gender identity from their families,’ says Tony Butchart-Kelly, Communications Officer at The Albert Kennedy Trust. ‘And it’s even worse when they find themselves homeless after coming out.

‘The Albert Kennedy Trust works hard throughout the year to provide emotional support to the young men who require the charity’s help, and that is so much more important when they feel isolated from their families around Christmas time. With a generous donation from one of our major supporters, Philip Baldwin, we’ve been able to ensure that every young person in our Purple Door houses over the festive season will be given gifts and Christmas cards to make them feel more at home.’

Whatever situation you might be in this Christmas time, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone, there are many avenues out there for help and community participation, and that, as the now famous slogan goes, ‘it gets better’.

‘I still watch Love Actually every year at Christmas, but now I don’t watch it alone,’ says Timothy Lock. ‘I now have a close circle of friends and loved ones who look after me, and allow me the honour of looking after them, so there’s always a place to be at Christmas. The important thing is to learn to swallow your pride and admit to others that you don’t have plans.

‘I’ve spent some of the greatest Christmases of my life with friends in London who were in the same boat. Remember, it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. If all else fails, send me a tweet @timothylock. There will always be space at my table for people who face the holiday alone. There may be potato peeling and washing up involved, but there will also be champagne. Lots of champagne!

‘And I watch Love Actually with the ones I love so that they can make fun of me when I cry at all the same spots… Every time!’

Wishing all our readers a happy Christmas from all at QX.