All I Want For Christmas is…

IT’S CHRRRRRRRRRRRRRISTMAS! As the big day approaches we’re crossing our fingers here at QX Towers, hoping that someone takes the discreet hints we’ve been dropping and gets us that Tom Daley wank sock we saw on some disreputable website; if not we’ll just settle for tickets to [bows] Cher’s American tour next year.

But it’s not all about receiving (arf), it’s nice to give a little, now and then, right? We asked a selection of gorgeous cabaret artists what they wanted for Christmas 2013. What do they really want to find when they plunge into their seasonal stockings, and want to see when they get on their knees under the tree the morning after Santa has emptied his bulbous sack all over the new shag pile? All I Want For Christmas Is…

Laquisha Jonz
A new iPhone 5s with finger print recognition. If I don’t get one of those I’d like a cigar cutter.


Blanche Dubois
A staple remover for the seventeen surgical staples that currently hold my guts and dignity together. To be honest, I don’t care much about the dignity, but the guts are… Essential.


David Hoyle
For all of humanity to unite, free from religious dogma – which encourages the persecution and death of LGBTQI peoples worldwide. And to be free from governments that only represent corporate interests. Let there be LOVE!


Dave Lynn
I tell you what would be lovely: world peace and an end to poverty and suffering. If only, eh? Balls, I’ll have a nice bottle of wine.


Drag With No Name
For Tom Daley to realise that when you come out these days, it is compulsory to sleep with men who wear tall curly beehives and ladies’ knickers for a living.


Meth
A worldwide cease and desist order for every Christmas song apart from the depressing one by those Irish people. And a pony. A black one with a mean and haunted look in its eye. That bites people. Merry Christmas!


Ginger Johnson
A year’s supply of hot dogs and freedom for Tibet.


Mary Mac
La Voix’s advertising budget


Mitzi Macintosh
That last year back! Where did it go? If I had a genie in a lamp then I’d wish for spacious, air conditioned dressing rooms, big stages with a follow spot and enthusiastic audiences, but to be fair I’d just rub him and wish myself off to faraway places. This cold weather plays havoc with my arthritis. If there’s one thing I’d wish for everybody it’s a day full of happiness with the ones you love. Happy Bloody Christmas to one and all.


Sandra
A big long, fat, juicy DICK!


Mrs. Moore
A rich, well hung man who will treat me like a princess. Failing that, the Marti Caine box set on DVD will do.


Aaron Alexander
The number of Nigella’s dealer. And lots of lovely bookings.


Jeff Kristian
A cure for Dementia… Sorry, what was the question?


Vanity von Glow
To be banged like a Salvation Army drum. If that doesn’t happen then I’d like Baga Chipz’ career.


Kandi Kane Baxter
I want an invite to Nigella’s this Christmas. Not sure what the weather will be like but it’s guaranteed to be a white Christmas at hers.

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