Cast a twisted eye into a crystal ball. Pull the Ouija board out. Turn the tarot cards over. Do what you can to predict the future, but there’s only one pair of cabaret terrorists capable of peering into your dire future and unveiling what’s in store for you in the coming year…
Aries
This has been a hard year for Aries. The moon setting in the east led to oscillations in the north, making it very difficult to get a good phone signal. As Saturn makes its arrival in March, you will find the winds of change blow hard and fast. Expect an email from John in June.
Taurus
Nobody could have foreseen the dramatic events of 2013 for you Taurus, not even us. What started as a joke quickly ended up in hospital and Lisa might never forgive you. The good news is that you are a tiny speck in the infinite expanse of the universe and nothing really matters anyway. Not even Lisa. Don’t touch my hand in November.
Gemini
2014 looks set to be an absolute power bottom of a year for Geminis as the Digital Natives take over planet Earth and Mars has a panic attack. Don’t expect success to come easily but with a bit of hard work and some sticky-backed plastic, you could be holding the gold medallion by August if you know what we mean.
Cancer
Some stuff is totally gonna happen to Cancer this year. We don’t know exactly what, but the teaser trailer looks great. Loads of explosions, blood and helicopter chases. You’re gonna love it. 7th June is a good day to call me.
Leo
Leo is in for a dynamic consumer journey in 2014 as Jupiter touches base with Saturn for a planetary think shower. A ballpark figure creates strategic goals in May, while key investments are flagged up to have all the ducks in a row by November. Going forwards, December’s KPIs bring romantic revenue streams.
Virgo
2014 is a good year for Virgos as Jane from accounts will smile for the first time. Halitosis marks the arrival of a short rich stranger in October, which could lead to exciting opportunities if you just relax, close your eyes and pretend it’s David Gandy.
Libra
Things haven’t been easy for Libra since dad moved to Canada to start a super-race of indigo children. The good news is exciting hobbies bring joy in 2014 and you’ll be the life of the party by April. The bad news is you’re basically an alcoholic.
Scorpio
You creepy Scorpios are known for your passionate, obsessive behaviours, and 2014 sees a new love interest enter the picture. They may seem aloof and distant at first, as if they have never actually met or spoken to you. Don’t let this sway your feelings. You love them and will watch them, from a distance, whenever you can.
Sagittarius
“Saggy-hairy-arse” is a juvenile, yet very funny way to mispronounce your sign. Remember that in 2014. Especially in awkward social situations.
Capricorn
2013 was a very fashion-forward year for you, and 2014 has even more avant-garde-wardrobe-ism in store for you. Sequined bell-bottom catsuits and cheap Smiffy’s “70s Disco” shoes are the way you should be heading. Honestly. If you don’t start this trend then those try-hard Leos will pretend they thought of it. Dicks.
Aquarius
As the queen of the water signs you know better than anyone the true health benefits of recreational “Water-Sports”. So don’t listen to the haters, follow in the footsteps of famous Aquarians Shakira and Germaine Greer. They look good. Piss is where it’s at.
Pisces
It always has to be about you doesn’t it, Pisces? What’s happening to ME next year? What’s MY best day for love? What will MY career have in store? Stop being so selfish and just bloody listen for once… JAMES IS PREGNANT! Sorry, but we thought you should know.
