With Scottee
I’m 43 years old and thinking of coming out to my family over Christmas. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for three years now. I’m a bit fed up of keeping him secret. Mum and dad are quite conservative Catholics, so we always go to church at Christmas. I know that they already disapprove of gay marriage. What do you think is the best way to broach the subject?
Tom, 28
SCOTTEE SAYS: Maybe what you need to do is find a way of relating your sexuality to their belief. Jesus wore a dress, had long hair and was found ‘sleeping’ in a park with 12 men – all of whom kissed him on each cheek. He was carb conscious (unleavened bread and all that) and was partial to glass of vin rouge. Catholicism is tres camp, dear – smells, bells and everything draped in purple! OK, so I’m being facetious but coming out will alleviate the cross you have to bare. Your family will then have to decide how they deal with it.
My boyfriend doesn’t know I’ve had a regular fuck buddy for the past six years. I don’t see my fuck buddy all the time, just when he’s in town as he’s a trolley dolly. Now they both want to see me at New Year’s and they are both going to be at the same party. What do I do?
Dave, 28
SCOTTEE SAYS: You are a greedy gay. I don’t know what you should do but you’re the product of generation Grindr. Read some psychology books about homosexual nihilism. Lots of love.
I’m really confused about my sexuality. I am 18 and have been sleeping with guys for the past three years. I had some sexual relationships with girls before, but nothing major. Last week when I was out and I ended up snogging a girl all night after I told her she looked like Britney Spears. On top of that I’ve recently been fantasising about Miley Cyrus and Nicole Scherzinger. Does that make me straight or just really gay?
Erik, 26
SCOTTEE SAYS: It means you have awful taste, that’s all. If I was Dr Christian I would ask to see your penis, but I’m not so… Merry Christmas.
I shagged my boss at the staff Christmas party and he’s given me gonorrhea. Now I’ve passed it on to my boyfriend and he’s threatening to break up with me if I don’t do something about it. Do you think I could ask my boss for a pay rise?
Adnan, 22
SCOTTEE SAYS: I think you should get to the GUM clinic, then ask for a pay rise.
My boyfriend just proposed to me. He wants to get married now that it’s legal. He’s 26 and I’m 43. I’m quite comfortably loaded as I made a lot of money in investments and he barely holds a regular job down. To be honest, I’m just with him for the sex. How do I tell him I think he’s a gold digger without hurting his feelings?
Ennis, 43
SCOTTEE SAYS: My friend Elton had the same problem with his partner David a few years back. I told him to do what heterosexuals do and have children to see if that solves any problems. Or tell him you want to die alone.
I’m desperate to drag up for New Year, but I don’t know where to start. I’m rather tall, at 6’4” and I’m also a size 11 foot so fuck knows where I’ll get the right footwear. Please help!
Terrence, 34
SCOTTEE SAYS: Size 11 shoes are not easy to find, but you can try Evans – their shoes are made for the wider, chubby foot and are often made of plastic so begin to stretch after a few laps around your apartment lip synching to ‘Wrecking Ball’. Your height means you should wear the largest heel possible – be a size queen, demand 9inch hoofs.
Is it wrong to masturbate in the public toilets at supermarkets? I find the disabled toilet at Sainsburys on Wandsworth Road really gets me going.
Colm, 56
SCOTTEE SAYS: It isn’t wrong, but why not try broadening your horizons? You could see if any disabled patrons were interested in joining in or why not make it a bit posher with a shuffle at Waitrose’s just up the road? At least after you’ve shot your load you’ll be able to deposit a green token and help a local charity.
• Scottee presents Camp NYE at Shoreditch Town Hall (380 Old Street, EC1V 9LT) on Tuesday 31st December, 9pm-3am. Tickets from £10.
