How To Werq The Clapham Street Party Wisely

Don’t pack your feather boa and rainbow flag away just yet! Just when you thought the open-air fun was done and dusted after Pride, along comes the tenth annual Clapham Street Party to get your tushy shaking to. Anthony Gilét presents his essential survival guide to sarf London’s biggest outdoor gay fest…

Obviously a giant rucksack isn’t going to compliment any credible outfit, so when entering the wilderness of gays, here’s the five essentials that you should be squeezing in to your pockets (or trendy manbag)…

Pocket Tissues
Like any festival-style party, we have the usual portaloo situation. Better to be safe than soiled, we mean, sorry…

Chewing Gum
Seal the deal with fresh breath. ‘Cause ain’t nobody going home with you when you taste like halitosis.

Portable Charger
There’s nothing worse than going to exchange numbers with that indulgent you’ve been flirting with all day and you’ve both ran out of battery. You could always write his number on your forearm in Biro, but this isn’t the 90s and there’s only so many phone numbers you can fit on your body.

Sunglasses
Not only are sunglasses a must have accessory from April onwards (even if it’s overcast), but they always hide a multitude of sin come 7pm.

Mini Deodorant
True, you’re not going for a whole weekend, but if the sun’s out *fingers crossed* there will be some sweaty poofs up in there, and you don’t wanna be one of them. Alternatively, use your mini can to spray away smelly bitches.


SURVIVAL GUIDE

Pick your outfit wisely
You never know who might show up at the Clapham Street Party; your potential husband, your ex, or just that boy you wanna bang – either way you can’t be turning up like some cracked out Lindsay-a-like. One year we all rocked up in more or less the same outfit… shame! Consult your friends before, and if you wanna stand out perhaps avoid the generic check shirt and denim shorts combo.

Bring all appropriate documents
That includes ID (if you’re lucky enough to look under 21), business cards (there’s no “off” switch for self-promotion, ladies) and immigration papers (you just know the Home Office will be lurking around trying to catch that Son ofa Tutu).

Go Big or Go Home
They say that size doesn’t matter, but you and I both know that’s a lie – especially when it comes to your hair. Quaff that shit Jedward style, although don’t push your luck, anything bigger than Crystal D’Canter and Kelly Mild’s respective weaves and you’ll be getting chased by two middle-aged queens and their huge bouffants.

Stay out of Sandra’s eye-line
And for fuck’s sake whatever you do, don’t piss that bitch off. She will slay you. If Sandra was part of the Incredibles, her superpower would be shade. Why would you want to destroy your enemies with a machete when you could take them out with a few cutting remarks about their appearance? We heard she made Medusa cry once.

Arrive early
Unless you’re a basic bitch that is used to queuing (which we’re obviously not), we don’t suggest rocking up late… Unless you can blow someone to cut in line, of course.

Get your 90s vibe going
We weren’t even born when Angie Brown and Katherine Ellis released their first floor fillers, but even we know a good jam when we hear one (and when we’ve had six cocktails).

Don’t upset the drags
In other words, don’t arrive in an expensive lace front and glamorous dress, because we’ll probably have a dozen crying queens on our hands.

Take advantage of the drink deals
Clapham Street Party is a celebration after all, so it’s no surprise they’ve got plenty of drink deals going. Bars that sell fish bowls. We drink like a fish. It doesn’t take a mathematician to work out why that’s a match…

• The 10th annual Clapham Street Party is on Edgeley Road, Clapham SW4 (corner of Kazbar) on Saturday 5th July. £5 advance tickets available now – includes free drink and donation to charity. 

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