Eleven Nicole Kidman films that are gay nourishment

At school, there was always that one girl who was practically perfect in every way. She had all the boys after her but was too much of a goody-two-shoes to do anything with it.

In her position, we’d have spent most of our teenage years very very… sticky. But she was way too busy with her studies, getting straight A’s and hanging out with her perfect family.

This is the role that pixie-nosed, glitter-eyed Nicole Kidman plays in pop culture. For DECADES she’s been the pretty girl on campus, having almost never slipped up or embarrassed herself in public. She clapped weird at the Oscars one year and because it was the first thing she did that wasn’t absolutely perfect people LOST THEIR MINDS. 

Though having never directly pandered to us gays, she’s dug her Aussie claws into our hearts and is not letting go. She IS gay culture. She’s that girl who you’re friends with but who wouldn’t be caught dead in a gay club, only frequenting wine bars and vegan organic cafés.

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Alas, we always turn up when she invites us over for her feminist book club, or be her plus one at the launch of a lifestyle concept brand at Annabel’s. She’s tackled many an iconic role in her 35+ years in the industry, but only a few rise to the top of the gay heap. Here are our top 10:

Bewitched 2005

If you didn’t spend the best part of 2005 trying to wiggle your nose like Kidman could, then please snap your gay card in two and use it to gather a fat line of your inadequacy to snort up. Despite the film trying to set up Will Ferrell as a Hollywood heartthrob (we ain’t buying it), this movie delivers big gay energy – from floral bucket hats to Shirley McClaine waving billowing wizard sleeves. Toeing the line between melodramatic and kitzch, as the witch who nabs a role as a witch on a TV show, Kidman give us major envy as the woman who has everything at the snap of her fingers and a wiggle of her earlobe. 

Moulin Rouge! (duh) 2001

For a show with next to no gay characters, this is one big gay orgy of a film. As smouldering temptress Satine, a red-haired Kidman steals the show despite not being able to sing a note. Coughing up blood has never been so damn sexy. Synched within an inch of her life into a corset, she goes from slapstick campery to gritty inner turmoil in the space of five minutes on screen. Oh, and if you and a friend haven’t lipsynced to ‘Elephant Love Medley’ and DEMANDED to sing the Nicole part then are you even a real human person? Nicole Kidman as a showgirl singing a Madonna/Marilyn mash-up, we mean come ON. A cinematic moment way gayer than any sandy handjob from Moonlight

The Others 2001

A movie that gave an entire generation of us nightmares. Fancy English lady in a desolate country house with her two children who are allergic to sunlight, and strange groundkeepers who keep them on their toes. We love now unhinged she plays this role. Should we be worried that seeing her holding a shotgun got us more than a little aroused? We’d give anything to be Kidman in vintage clothing walking around an expansive country manor in the dark holding a gas lamp. We don’t even care if we (SPOILER) had to have been dead the whole time to do it. 

Grace of Monaco 2014

Who could Hollywood pick to play a beautiful actress turned actual princess? Of course it was going to be the beautiful actress who really is the princess of Hollywood (with Meryl being the queen, obvs). Gorgeous gowns, lavish event and so much damn JEWELLERY made this movie a treat for the eyes. Though not quite snatching awards the way it was intended to, it’s still a damn enjoyable Sunday afternoon watch. Reading into this flick, there was a major Harvey Weinstein debacle surrounding if the film was to be distributed in the US, with director Oliver Dahan accusing him of blackmail. At least Dahan can now watch the Director’s Cut version of the film in peace…

The Killing of A Sacred Deer 2017

Just before Yorgos Lanthimos became the name on everyone’s lips with The Favourite, this film got people talking in artsy film circles. Following the story of a cardiac surgeon who befriends a teenage boy to connect to his past, things get freaky once his family start to become mysteriously ill after meeting the boy. Nicole plays his doting wife, who really turns out to be quite kick-ass. This is deffo one of her more artsy turns but isn’t as painful as having to sit through Dogville (if you know, you know). We love to think of Yorgos going straight from working with Kidman to working with Olivia Colman. We can image Nicole spending on-set downtime doing some ballet bar work, and Olivia spending her downtime munching on a cottage cheese sandwich. 

The Paper Boy 2012

Just the look of her in this film fills our hearts with gay joy. She’s as southern as a bucket of fried chicken in this film, with the worst tan that has ever been on a cinema screen. Seeing her dance with a Zac Efron in his undies made this film well worth it, and that scene when he straddles her..? LORD JESUS. Now that we KNOW we’re allowed to be aroused at that. We spent a lot of this film with a pillow on our lap.

Rebecca More or Nicole Kidman? Who knows.

Destroyer 2018

You know what we are…? Everyone made that joke after seeing the billboards all over the Underground. This film got lost in the Kidman hype around Big Little Lies and wasn’t given the attention it deserves. We have NEVER seen Kidman look like this before, as a normal human woman and not a celestial being, and we love it. She’s the fast shooting haggard cop living life on the edge, and her acting talent really shines through. She’s the only big name in this production, so we can just imagine all her fellow actors shitting a brick every time they’d be in a scene with her. 

The Hours 2002

Virginia Woolf. WHO cast her in this? Truly insane. Though her nose-prosthetic almost steals the show, her portrayal as one of the biggest names in literary history was a strange one, where she made some odd choices. But she wasn’t playing your generic Virginia, she played Kidman’s Virginia. The real Woolf wouldn’t be caught dead screaming at her husband on a train platform, but we feel like that’s something Kidman spends her weekends doing so let her live. 

The Stepford Wives 2004

This film was universally panned by critics. The novel was a feminist masterpiece that really contextualised feminist arguments in a way that translated how horrific the societal expectations on women were in the 1970s. This film adaptation was a glamorous camp romp. Oh well, it still made for great viewing, with all the plastic-perfect allure of a life in a Stepford neighbourhood. With Bette Midler and Glenn Close on the cast, this film overfloweth with gay. PLUS it features a gay suburban couple who are just like everyone else, and though not saying much about the standing of women in society, it really questioned homonormative standards placed upon gay couples (is that a reach? Perhaps). 

Practical Magic 1998

She just LOVES playing witches. As Sandra Bullock’s sister, both of them trying to tackle the family curse were the men they fall in love with are destined to suffer a tragic death. CAMP! After the tragic death of their parents, they’re raised by their cooky aunts, one of which is a very turnt Stockard Channing, who get themselves in all sorts of mischief. Possessions and body-swapping a-plenty, this film is up there with The Craft in queer magic levels. There’s an iconic scene where they all get drunk and start insulting each other, and apparently they all actually got sloshed on some bad Tequila Kidman brought to set. Yas. Queen. 

The Beguiled 2017

A typically audacious feature from Sophia Coppola, The Beguiled has Nicole Kidman in colonial dress (she loves colonial dress) sighing her way around an isolated mansion in Civil War era America. She barely has time to louchely work a water pump before a MOUTHWATERINGLY sexy Colin Farrell turns up as a mysterious wounded soldier. Her, Elle Fanning and Kirsten Dunst (or as she’s known in gay media circles, Kunst), compete for his affection. It all gets deliciously dark and camp – at one point {SPOILERS} she actually feeds Colin poisoned stew with the words “Bon Appetit”. CAMP! 

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