You may have heard about these gay films. They’re like normal films, but instead of Ewan McGregor, they’ve usually got a twink in. Or maybe a pornstar trying to expand his range. Much like straight films, some of them are good. Some, however, aren’t. This is what you can usually expect.
A Club Scene
If there’s one thing the gays are good at, it’s clubbing. We are clubbing athletes. We can last all night, often without the need of performance-enhancing drugs. So to reflect this, every gay film must have a clubbing scene: a strobe light flickering in slow motion; exposed flesh bathed in a seedy red light; the eyes of two hot strangers meeting through the crowd of bodies and the inevitable two-step towards each other. It’s raw, sexy and full of extras pretending to be high while dancing in a nightclub at 3pm in the afternoon.
Introspection
If you were to only learn about gays from film, you’d think we were incapable of happiness. Sighing, self-loathing, surliness over a lo-fi, indie soundtrack. Miserable, self-destructive sex in a messy bedroom. Tearful escapes down London side-streets. C’mon film gays, lighten up. We know its hard being homo, but less navel-gazing and more naval-glazing. Glazing with CUM. Does that work? No? Well, it’ll have to do.
Smoking
Do you know the only reason cigarettes are known as ‘fags’ is because they’re so prevalent in gay films? Absolutely every cast member must smoke in a gay film, from the tortured protagonist, their tortured mother, their tortured fag hag, their tortured bullies, every one must have a limp ciggy protruding from their mouths.
No Foreplay
Sex in gay films is pretty often just a two-dimensional affair, as simplistically easy as plugging a memory stick into a USB port. We get that they don’t want to waste valuable screen on mundane foreplay, and yes, we understand that it was a cool winter night on a Wyoming mountain, but a bit of rimming wouldn’t have gone amiss, would it Heath?
The sassy fag hag
We’re not necessarily massive fans of the phrase “fag hag”, but it’s the best way to describe female roles in gay cinema. There’s ALWAYS a sassy girl who gives sage, no-nonsense advice. She’s usually ginger, and wears hipstery clothes like beret and jumpsuits and things. Personally, we don’t know any fag hags. All our female friends are way too cool to obsess over gay men’s problems.
The locker room scene
Steamy! This usually involves lots of homoerotic towel slapping while the gay protagonist looks on, simultaneously intimidated and aroused. The jock love interest is usually introduced at this point, as a symbol of unrequited gay love. And then something happens when they’re drunk. He’s called Troy. You know the drill.
A mopey indie soundtrack
They’ve ALWAYS got a mopey indie soundtrack. Usually accompanied by sad staring from train windows, or montages of growing up in the 80s. It’s usually by someone like Two Bombay Cinema Bicycle Postal Service Club. Something like that.
James Franco
These days, around 75 per cent of gay cinema is directed by, or starring James Franco. Especially if its about bondage, or the gay porn industry. Which he finds “intriguing” despite being “not gay”. Ok hun!
• And that concludes our Gay Film Stereotypes! Maybe next week we’ll do Gay Music Stereotypes. God, we’d be here all day.
