By Dylan B Jones
We’re crashing out of the EU! Well actually, that’s a bit dramatic – as has been the case for the last year or so, no-one really seems to know what the fuck is going on. Nothing is certain.
What IS certain, is that European pop music is great! Whether you’re clinking tankards along to German schlager, getting euphoric in the tundras of Sweden or feeling your French lolita fantasy, the continent has SO many fab, adventurous artists, who most of us have never heard of. See below!
Sveltana Loboda – Ukraine
Aaah Svetlana. We LOVE Svetlana. She is ultimate fab, ultimate camp! She’s got all the gay icon credentials – a bit ridiculous, a bit of a mess, no inhibitions, no fucks given. She’s a huge star in her native Ukraine, but gained international attention when she entered Eurovision in 2009. The song was called “Anti-Crisis Girl” (?!) and the set was allegedly so extravagant that Svetlana had to remortgage her flat to pay for it. Have a watch of the performance below, it’s quite the spectacle (pay extra attention at around the 1:40 mark, where she performs possibly the most iconic dance move ever).
Emma – Finland
Emma is like Finland’s answer to Diana Vickers – frolicking across fjords barefoot and putting bits of twig in her hair. Shortly after the UK voted to leave the EU back in 2016, she released “Circle Of Light” – a pro-EU anthem! The “circle of light” is the EU flag, geddit? Very clever.
MARINA – Poland
Hello London – this is POLAND CALLING! Marina is a stunning popstar hailing from Baltic climes, one of many fabulous Eastern European popstars none of us have heard of, because we spend way too much time going “yaas Gaga!” Musically, she’s Ke$ha via Krakow, chunky pop beats combined with chilly Eastern European cool.
Angie – Sweden
The bad girl of the Swedish pop scene (lol) Angie sings songs about WEED and PUSSY! In fact, she’s actually got a song called “Smoke Weed, Eat Pussy”. In all seriousness though her music’s great, synthy and sexy and ahead of the curve. She predicted the millennial pink trend before anyone else, even before Gaga with that fucking cowboy hat.
ENCA – Turkey
We don’t really know the story behind ENCA – we only know who she is because we Shazamed her in a Turkish cornershop at 4am. But she’s fab.
Inna Modja – France
Good old France! They can always be relied on for mouth-watering cheeses, gorgeously filthy porn, and chic, modern pop music. Inna Modja certainly fits into the latter category (neither of the former, as far as we know). A supermodel turned songstress, she took the French charts by storm a few years ago with “La Fille Du Lido”. The video was shot in London, back when everyone loved the UK and we weren’t an international laughing stock.
M Pokora – France
Another offering from France! There’s actually SO MUCH great French pop music but we’ve refrained from including the obvious ones (Alizée, Carla Bruni, YELLE) because this is after all supposed to be about artists you HAVEN’T heard of. M Pokora is a bit like if David Beckham were French and a bit more fresh, and had a pop career. He’s got a huge gay following across the channel. Can’t imagine why.
Helene Fischer – Germany
German superstar Helene Fischer is quite possibly the best person in the world EVER! She loves the gays, the gays love her. Last year she released a single called “Regenbogenfarben” (Rainbow Colours) for pride. But her best oeuvre is “Atemlos Durch Die Nacht” – which means “breathless through the night”. If that’s not a poppers anthem, we don’t know what is. In the video she looks like a cross between Delta Goodrem and Jenna Maroney from 30 Rock.
Eric Saade – Sweden
A Swedish hunk! Well, “hunk” might not be the right word. He’s more like the sort of boy it’d be nice to bring home to your mum when you were 17. He’d be very polite at dinner. And then DYNAMITE IN THE SHEETS. We can tell from that cheeky grin. We see you Eric! Eric is a TV presenter as well as singer, and enters Eurovision whenever he feels like it, like most Swedish people. This song is called “Manboy” which is a bit of a suspect title. Sounds a bit like a category on Pornhub.
Serebro – Russia
We’re not really sure where this Russian girl group materialised from, or why they exist, but we’re happy they do! From much extensive technological research (trawling YouTube at 3am) we’ve gleaned that they mostly sing songs about SEX and DRINKING. Quite right too! Here’s our fave video from them. They spend a lot of it in a really unfashionable bathroom, singing into a hairbrush. Iconic.