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From “transgenders are everywhere” to “when are you bringing a girl home?”

Just like a first date, there are a whole bunch of topics that are off limits around the Christmas dinner table. Religion, Politics, ex lovers. It’s THE most wholesome meal of the year, but for some reason parents always decide to spoil it all by saying something stupid, not like “I love you”, but like “the royal family definitely did Diana in”.

With turkey and trimmings filling your plate, all smothered in gravy and cranberry sauce, the last thing you want to be doing is getting into it with your granny over Brexit. When these points of contention arise, you need to be well equipped to deal them as the table’s token queer.

You’re also probably going to be the only one at the table who reads anything other than the Daily Mail. So here’s how you fight your corner, to keep the family informed, while also keeping the peace.

“You can identify as anything these days.”

Perhaps the most used word of 2018 is identity, and identifying as anything other than what society would like you to be is something your parents LOVE reading about. They’ll most definitely be mentioning that Dutch guy that identifies as 20 years younger than his age. Twat. Just inform them as kindly as you can that identity is different for everyone, and you should respect how someone identifies even if you find it silly. Remind your dad that he identifies as a Nickleback fan, which you find just as ridiculous.

“When are you bringing a girl home? I want some grandkids.”

Firstly you need to let them know that you being a bona fide homosexual isn’t why they don’t have grandkids yet, it’s because you spend your weekends off your face getting fingered in some dark room and your after work drinks usually turn into a group sex session up in Hackney. Actually, maybe it would be best to leave out some of the details.

“Those transgenders are everywhere now aren’t they.”

No mum, transgender PEOPLE aren’t everywhere these days. They’re just not as neglected or ostracised as much today thanks to the hard work of amazing trans activists. You just hear a lot about them because Piers Morgan loves dragging them on TV to ridicule on morning television. They aren’t in your garden trampling on your petunias are they mum?

“Those Queer Eye guys are lovely aren’t they!”


“I won’t watch House of Cards now without that Kevin Spacey.”

Your dad was a big House of Cards fan, most dads are. It’s in that category of TV shows that are made with dads in mind, like Ozark, Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad. The fact that a woman is now at the helm of the show isn’t appealing to him for some reason, which doesn’t quite make sense since all those porn DVDs you found all had women as the main character. He should know that it’s still a good show without Kevin, and Kevin had to go because he’s an awful man that’s done awful things, and tried to drag the gays down with him. Just tell him he should get into Killing Eve or something…

“Oh, I think it would be lovely to have Maggie Thatcher on the £50 bill.”

Be it a touch of amnesia or some early onset Alzheimer’s, just gently remind them that she wasn’t a good egg. Introducing the first bit of anti-LGBT legislation in over a century isn’t cute, so having to see her face every day wouldn’t be either. Well… actually… Seeing a bunch of £50 each day would be nice whoever’s on it. Let them know how much nicer it’d be to have Alan Turing on there, parents just LOVE talking about World War 2.

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