“Why Your Insecurities Are Your Greatest Strength In Dating, Love & Sex” by Gary Albert

We live in a world obsessed with confidence, power and status.

We love to present ourselves as polished, perfect and perpetually in control. 

But the uncomfortable truth I’ve learned through years of dating, healing and helping other gay men navigate relationships, sex, love and intimacy issues is that the carefully curated and cultivated version of ourselves is precisely what keeps love at bay!

I believe that real love can only happen when we’re vulnerable, real and honest, and when we don’t have the right answer. Love can bloom when we let another person see the softness, the unsureness and the instability we usually keep carefully guarded behind our masks and walls.

[Want to start being your true self from the get-go? Make your dating profile more authentic and magnetic with my free e-book “Stop The Scroll: Create A Magnetic Bio That Attracts The Right Men & Gets Your Inbox Buzzing”. Inside, I teach you the 3-3-1-1 formula to stop making the most common mistakes and create a bio that stands out from the crowd!]

The Moment Everything Changes

You’re more likely to fall in love and feel close to someone the moment you stop pretending you’re strong and allow your tenderness to enter. 

It’s in that shaky moment when you take off your emotional armour and say: “I’m not so sure of myself right now,” or “I’m worried that knowing this about me will put you off,” or “I’m feeling scared of you seeing me this way.”

These moments feel terrifying because we’ve been conditioned to believe that showing insecurity is weakness. Particularly as gay men, many of us have spent years building protective shells, developing thick skins in response to a world that hasn’t always been kind. We’ve learned to be confident, self-sufficient and as unshakeable as possible.

But what if I told you that this armour, while once necessary for survival, is now the very thing preventing the connection you crave?

My 1:1 work with clients is all about unpeeling these layers of protection they’ve built up over a lifetime that is preventing them from creating the love, intimacy and having the sex that they really want!

The Confidence Myth

Most people think confidence is what creates connection. But it’s actually our vulnerability, our nerves, our anxieties and insecurities that forge genuine bonds. 

Think about it; when was the last time you felt deeply connected to someone’s perfectly curated Instagram life? I mean, really connected at the heart and soul level?

Compare that to how you feel when someone shares a genuine struggle, a real fear, or an honest insecurity. Suddenly, they become three-dimensional, more human and relatable.

Sure, we all get a thrill from the thirst content spread across Instagram and TikTok. But it’s not reality. Those guys struggle with the same things the rest of us do. They just don’t let you see it in their 7-second topless reel.

The courage to be seen as you are, not as a carefully edited version of yourself, is one of the greatest courages that exists. 

It’s far easier to swipe confidently through a dozen profiles and share your nudes than to sit across from someone and admit you’re nervous and unsure.

But which of those experiences has the potential for real connection? I’ll let you decide.

Insecurity Is Human

Insecurity is human. Insecurity is honest. Insecurity is tender. 

And insecurity is something that every single person on this planet feels, even if they’re brilliant and well-rehearsed at hiding it. 

One of the first questions I ask the guys to answer in small groups at Pleasure Medicine (my bi-weekly connection workshop and ecstatic dance for GBTQ+ men in London) is:

“What makes you nervous about being around other gay men, and what are the resources you have to support you in that discomfort?”

When these guys name it out loud to each other in little groups of 3, I literally see their shoulders drop, and their eyes widen. You can hear the sigh of relief in the room as everyone realises “Oh, we all feel pretty much the same shit!”

When you feel nervous, shy, uncertain or exposed around someone you like, don’t see these feelings as barriers! Invite them as doorways into learning and growth.

Your insecurity means your heart is awake and that you’re actively pursuing your dreams and desires rather than playing it safe. 

These feelings are evidence that you’re showing up authentically in the world, taking risks and allowing yourself to want something real.

On my Erotic Evolution 1:1 therapy and coaching program, the guys who genuinely show up in dating, love and sex more vulnerably are the guys who start having better sex, attracting the right men and repelling the wrong ones. They’re the guys who really start experiencing powerful relationships, whether they are purely sexual or more romantic or both!

The Magic of “And Me”

One of the most powerful experiences in early connection happens when you share an insecurity, and the other person responds with “OMG, me too!”

Suddenly, you’re not alone in your nervousness!

You’re simply two humans standing in the same tender space, acknowledging your shared vulnerability.

This is where intimacy begins; in the admission that you’re both a little unsure, both a little scared, both hoping this might be something special.

Intimacy literally means “seeing into someone else”. Seeing into their depths.

Creating Space for Love

I’ve come to learn that the space where love can land only opens when we stop trying to impress and win, and when we release the pressure to be perfect.

This doesn’t mean oversharing or trauma dumping on a first date or using vulnerability as a manipulation tactic. 

It simply means gradually allowing another person to see you. To really see you, in all your complicated, uncertain, beautifully imperfect humanity.

The Invitation

For us gay men, there’s often an additional layer of complexity. Many of us carry insecurities not just about dating, but about being around other gay men. 

Perhaps we worry we’re not attractive enough, confident enough, muscular enough, masculine enough… this, that or the other enough. 

Perhaps past experiences have left us feeling like we don’t quite fit in.

But what if we could create spaces where these masks come off? And where we acknowledge what makes us unique and different, instead of all trying to be the same. This dissolves the power these insecurities have over us.

This is what my events for gay men, Pleasure Medicine and Slow Dating+, are all about. The heartbeat of these happenings is kindness, care, connection and community. 

When we name our fears aloud, we often discover that we’re not alone in them and that recognition is liberating.

Real connection requires us to tell the truth that is uncomfortable.

It demands we show up as ourselves. Our full selves.

So the next time you feel vulnerable on a date, breathe into it. 

Let that person see you shakily removing your armour and letting the masks melt. 

Because this is when love and intimacy finally have space to breathe.

Love Gary x

About Gary

Gary Albert is a therapist, embodiment facilitator, somatic sex coach, award-winning music maker, conscious DJ and writer. He’s the creator of Pleasure Medicine, a bi-weekly connection workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men in London that blends conscious movement with embodied connection. He is also the founder of the ever-growing Pleasure Medicine Whatsapp Group with hundreds of men into conscious events, connection and community. He is also the creator of The Erotic Reset: a 7-Day Journey to Unf*ck Your Sexlife by Mastering Masturbation. With over a decade of experience as a facilitator and therapist, Gary is devoted to helping gay men unlock their pleasure centres, soften shame and rediscover joy, intimacy and sensuality through dance, touch and celebratory sexuality.

He is a guest columnist for queer culture magazines and writes personal essays, opinion pieces and cultural reflections, always from the perspective of being in the waters with the reader, trying to work it all out together.

Connect with Gary:

• Book your ‘Pleasure Medicine’ ticket: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk
• Learn about Slow Dating+, where you meet men without the masks and learn to date, relate and communicate.
• Get your free E-Guide ‘Stop The Scroll: Create A Dating Profile That Attracts The Right Men — the 3311 formula that creates a standout bio and makes men message’ https://www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk/bio.