Seeking a shag in a foreign land? Shel Fuller advises on the etiquette of international sexual interaction…
Ahh, the city of Berlin. Built around the River Spree. Germany’s capital. Since World War II, the city has emerged from the past; been rebuilt, restored and rejuvenated; old and new, standing side by side and I’m not referring to Twinks & Daddies. There is some wonderful architecture. Many come here for the exceptional nightlife alone, while others prefer the tourism aspect offered by the city – Potsdamer Platz, the Siegessäule (Victory Column), and the Fernsehturm (TV Tower). But there is another group of people, who could care less about all of those things and come to Berlin for one thing, and one thing only: SEX!
It is well-known that if there is a fetish to be had then you will certainly find in it in Germany. And with Berlin, having one of the largest gay populations in Europe, it is rather easy to find someone who will cover you in Crisco, wrap you in plastic foil and tickle you until you orgasm (if you like such things) but Berliners are running into an ever increasing problem. Sex “tourists” just do not know how to behave.
It is true that Berlin is a city of indulgence and debauchery but we do have certain expectations when we invite people into our orifices…I mean, homes. You will even notice that many Berliners, in their online fishing nets, have written, “No Tourist!” We don’t want to hate you – but we do. But it is really your own fault.
Writing a list of Don’ts should not be necessary but since you sex-seeking tourists have no home-training, let me lay out a few of things for you:
- DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE SEX DATES MONTHS IN ADVANCE: “I will be in Berlin in August 2012. Would you like to meet?” Well, I would love to meet you if I don’t get hit by a bus, die from bird flu or get bitten by a zombie before then. How should I know? I know you want to make sure that you have your options open but no one can really know if they will want to meet you in 6 months. Start your searching a month before and simply chat with some people to find your match and then maybe a 7-10 days before your arrival start to make some dates. It is far more realistic, you sluts.
- DON’T TRY TO SCREW THE WHOLE CITY IN ONE WEEKEND: You arrive on Friday afternoon and leave Sunday evening but somehow you are determined to beat Dawson’s record. (You all know who Dawson is. Don’t pretend, you don’t) Berliners enjoy sex and when the sex is good, we want to have time to savor in the flavours. When someone comes in and says, “I only have an hour because I have another sex date in 90 minutes”, that is an immediate turn off. Berlin isn’t going anywhere. You can come back as often as you want so take your time and enjoy.
- DON’T ASK PEOPLE ONLINE ABOUT OBTAINING ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES: YES, I do know where you can get something and NO, I am not going to tell you. Have you ever heard of the police? Jail sentences? ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES? Why would you even think that it was ok to ask? This is simply idiotic.
- DON’T SAY YOU ARE A TOP WHEN YOU ARE REALLY A BOTTOM: In my last article about Berlin, I am rather sure that I said that we are very direct. We want to know what we are buying before it’s delivered. There is someone here for every taste, so just tell the truth. It makes the experience a lot more pleasurable for everyone involved.
There is so much more that could be included here but just like a child learning to ride a bike for the first time, you have to fall off and scrape your knees. Maybe scraping your knees is a turn on for you. In the end, the one rule that you should always adhere to is: Treat people that way you want to be treated. If you follow these simple rules, then you won’t have any problems no matter where you lay down your cockring.
