Christmas draws ever nearer, and the charts are set to fill up with festive records just as sure as Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas’ will blare out of every radio station and TV commercial that can get their hands on a copy.
The X Factor may have completely destroyed the ‘guess who’s gonna be Christmas number one’ game, but there’s still plenty of classy Chrimbo tunes to sample. However, there are some songs so god-awful, hearing them would make you want to lock yourself away in a bank vault for the rest of the holiday season. Here Xav Judd takes a look at these humbug-inducing monstrosities…
‘I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas’ – Gayla Peevey
Surely this song is as nauseating as a burst colostomy bag.
Whined through by a 10-year-old in 1953, it reached the top thirty of the billboard charts that year. Maybe it was before Rubik’s Cubes, Cabbage Patch Kids and Milky The Bunny toys, but what would a child actually do with an animal that weighs over 1.5 tonnes and often makes mincemeat – even though mince pies might be more appropriate – out of humans without provocation?
In fact, a campaign was started due to the success of this hit, which led to the zoo of its performer’s hometown (Oklahoma) being given a baby hippo.
‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ – Wizzard
I am not saying Wizzard’s up-tempo 70’s tune is such a bad ditty; yet, the notion of Xmas every day is as wackyas trying to swim the English Channel in a Mr Blobby costume. Just imagine 365 portions of that dinner – we’d all look like out-of-condition sumo wrestlers. And what about your blood pressure?
Engaging in a truce while you are in the same room as your extended family might be OK for 24 hours, but any longer and perhaps one would turn to thoughts of suicide! As for storage space – how long would it last with a daily supply of granny’s cheap Argyll socks and other similarly naff presents?
‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ – Elmo and Patsy Trigg Shropshire
Nonetheless, isn’t whoever came up with the idea of turning an innocent biddy into a reindeer roadkill, just a bit of a sadist? The country and western-style vocals were by then husband and wife duo Elmo and Patsy Trigg Shropshire in 1979. According to the lyrics, this stupid codger gets intoxicated from too much eggnog because she doesn’t remember to take her pills, and then stumbles into a snowstorm.
Hey presto; next minute, there’s an encounter with a mass-murdering Saint Nicholas and his thick-hoofed hairy bitches, and then our witless pensioner looks not only the same colour as a strawberry waffle, but is also as flat as one.
‘Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)’ – John Denver
No, this was not a government health message to warn folks about their liquor consumption at a time of year when it is so easy to overdo it.Indeed, one might believe John Denver actually had more than one too many, which is what led him to commit to this woeful dirge.
Otherwise, how could he have agreed to tell the tale of a seven-year-old kid begging his daddy not to collapse in a paralytic stupor under the tree? Luckily, for the artist in question’s legacy, he is much more celebrated for penning a string of smash hits.
Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Noel as we know it, was ruined forever. Why? Because George Lucas decided to try and save our universe with this nine-track disc – much of it narrated and crooned by Anthony Daniels, who played the robot C-3P0 in the space saga.
Obviously, this auteur was not content with the zillions he made from the original three pictures and several marketing tie-ins – action figures, books and bed sheets etc. Thus, the aforementioned droid and feisty rust-bucker (R2-D2) were let loose on vinyl, detailing various silly stories about making toys in a factory.
And, boy, if you think modern pop stars sound mechanical or tinny, then just wait for this caterwaul of nasal clangs, bastardised chirps, bleeps and whistles as these two get into full flow.
Perhaps the crummiest number is ‘What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)’. So, you can forget about Luke, Leia and Han Solo trying to blow-up the Death Star; one listen to this and you’ll want to blow yourself up!
