THE VILLAGERS OF ORGY

The gay scene can often be described as a magical place and when you’ve had one too many it most certainly is, but all sparkling lands have an underworld and this week we’re gonna take a look at the characters that inhabit the mysterious land of Orgy… 

The King of the Castle

The host. Often an older man who utilizes his opulent apartment to surround himself with beautiful boys. Will feign an interest in your life, but primarily just wants to suck your youthful penis dry. Be friendly, he’s usually got the keys to the drinks cabinet.

The Drag(on)

Wherever you take this one, he’ll find the dressing up box and if there isn’t one, he’ll make some kind of outfit from the host’s harness and toilet roll. He’ll walk around on tip toes throwing out bitchy comments and relishing being the centre of attention. But at the end of the night, with lipstick around his mouth and strands of blonde weave stuck to his sweaty chest, he’ll be genuinely bewildered as to why no one wants to sleep with him.

Sleeping Not-So-Beauty

He’s the one that HAS to take himself to the edge of intoxication. He’s the one everyone rolls their eyes at when he walks in, but cause he’s sweet when he’s sober no one asks him to leave. He never has anything interesting to say and as he gets more wrecked he shouts out random obscenities for attention before a crescendo to some overly enthusiastic sexual advances that even the sluttiest ogres aren’t interested in. The climax of his performance is when he inevitably passes out in the toilet, knickers around his ankles.

The Wishing Well

This is a group of accommodating bottoms at an orgy, in a land where tops are rarer than a four-leafed clover. They sit on Grindr, cracking their iPhone screens in desperation, just wishing and wishing for a top!

Sir Valiant Viagra

The saviour of the Wishing Well. This heroic character is the one who pops seventeen little blue pills so he can attempt to be the active one at a party of starving bottoms. The rest of the party, sick of scissoring, will be forever grateful and form an orderly queue at his mattress.

The ‘Good’ Fairy

Disturbed from Bible studies, he’ll walk in with morals higher than his hair. Giving scathing looks at the naked bodies he walks past, insisting ‘I didn’t realise it was THAT kind of party.’ Can be identified by the delighted ‘Hail Marys’ he screams from the bedroom after being introduced to the hung Brazilian.

Damsel in Distress

This is the heterosexual female housemate who, confined to her room, quivers beneath her vintage ‘My Little Pony’ bed sheets (that she thinks are cute). She desperately wants her flatmate to clean his act up, but only so she can marry him. Oblivious to the fact her shower has been used as a douche twice as many times as she’s used it as a shower, she can’t work out why her hair always smells of anal mucus.

• Editor’s note: we all know sex parties exist on the London gay scene and we’re not here to try and stop you or pretend they don’t happen. But if you do decide to drop down to meet the villagers of Orgy, we just ask that you remember to ‘sheath your (pork) sword’. In other words: use your head, please use a condom. 

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