Did any of you see the first Huntsman film?
It wasn’t very good. In fact it was crap. It was basically just a mess of special effects, interspersed with shots of Kristen Stewart trying to remember where she left her personality. Granted, Charlize Theron was luminous (LUMINOUS) as the white queen, but didn’t get nearly enough screen time. And to be honest it was less to do with her acting and more to do with her camp outfits. Dress Charlize Theron in a shimmering gold gown with feathered shoulderpads, and you’ve got at least a few thousand gay men on board by default.
Well, there was no call for a sequel, that’s for sure. But, despite critical and commercial failures in the US and Europe, it was one of the highest grossing movies ever in Asia. And as we all know, money is the only thing that matters. SO HERE WE ARE.
Winter’s War is worse than the first one. Much worse. Instead of Kristen Stewart looking for a personality, it’s got Jessica Chastain looking for a Scottish accent. They made the interesting decision of making the main characters Scottish, then not casting a single Scottish actor. Chris Hemsworth’s accent is passable but he doesn’t take his shirt off, so you forget he’s there after the first five minutes.
The plot of the film is irrelevant really. It’s just a bland cream cracker that serves as a vehicle for a big cheesey dollop of sword and dagger nonsense and admittedly breathtaking special effects. That’s one thing actually, the effects and aesthetic are gorgeous. A polar bear-riding, avalanche-inducing glissade of shimmering ice crystals and scintillating snowstorms.
The other good thing: EMILY BLUNT! Quite terrifying, but simultaneously cold and emotive as Charlize Theron’s damaged little sister Freya. Also, at one point Sheridan Smith turns up as a dwarf! SCREAM!
But it still doesn’t save it from the awful fucking dialogue. Seriously. It’s worse dialogue than Attack of The Clones. It’s worse dialogue than a chillout at 7am. It. Is. Bad.
Anyway! So that’s what we thought of it. Go see it if you like, we won’t judge.
• The Huntsman – Winter’s War is in cinemas now.
