Last week I popped down to Balans Soho Society’s new branch in Seven Dials for dinner! If you know a journalist, you’ll know we NEVER say no to a meal. I took along my friend Silver Summers, star of London Live’s Drag Queens Of London. She’s known for having the voice of an angel, the legs of a Swedish prostitute, and a heart of gold. She’s also known for calling someone a “fat owl” which is just the best insult in the history of the world ever.
On my way there, I got lost in Covent Garden for a good twenty minutes. It’s a universally acknowledged fact, that however long you’ve lived in London, you will ALWAYS get lost in Covent Garden. I once turned left on Long Acre and ended up in Yosemite National Park, shivering to the distant howling of wolves.
ANYWAY I found Balans in the end, slap bang on the bustling Monmouth Street tributary of Seven Dials. Silver was already there, looking sheepish in a rainbow tank top. Silver and I are well-versed in the Balans franchise, having spilled multiple porn star martinis up the walls of their Old Compton Street branch.
Swarmed by bright-eyed, jovial and attentive staff, we took our seats in a suitably clandestine corner at the back. The phrase “urban-chic” is possibly the most overused pretentious restaurant review phrase in the long and loquacious history of pretentious restaurant reviews, but…it’s URBAN CHIC! It’s all steel workshops girl! And tiles and thick cutlery and hanging bulbs.
For starters, I had scallops and Silver had lamb balls (hilarious “balls” jokes ensued, obviously). I demolished mine and sampled hers. Both were gastronomically gorgeous! It was actually the first time I’d ever had scallops. Texture and taste-wise, they’re sort of like posh scampi aren’t they. We washed them down with Panama Cream cocktails. I said they looked like they were from Whoville, and the waiter did a very convincing job of looking like he knew what the hell I was talking about. They were very camp and pink with red and white straws and served in milk bottles. A treat!
More cocktails, an anecdote about Silver throwing a glass of water over Vanity Von Glow, and then it was time for the mains! I had ricotta & lemon ravioli with brown butter, peas, roast peppers and herbs. Silver had coffee-rubbed bavette with onion rings and chipotle tomatillo salsa, sponsored by Oscar de la Renta, gold leaf and Taraji P Henson (ignore that last bit, sorry, I couldn’t resist). My ravioli was delicious, but I tried a bit of the bavette and OH…THE BAVETTE! I’m not generally a big fan of meat (stop it), but it was orgasmically good.
Instead of dessert, we had a shot of tequila and went to Bombshell.
Massive thankyou to the Balans Seven Dials team for lovely friendly service, gorgeous food and URBAN CHIC vibes!
• Seven Dials Café is at 32-34 Monmouth Street, WC2H 9HA. Monday to Saturday 8am – 11pm, Sunday 8am – 10pm.
