There’s something about human sexuality that draws boundless fascination. For hundreds of years, the conversation around sex and sexuality was strictly taboo, and the idea of anything other than a married man and woman thrusting against each other in the missionary position to produce offspring was obscene.
Thankfully as a society we’ve progressed (despite the recent crunching down on online pornography) to talking relatively openly about sexuality, but more importantly, pleasure. Sex is no longer confined to that textbook ‘in-out-in-out shake it all about’ model, and we’ve learned that there’s so much more to sexual pleasure than blowing your load after some hip grating.
Sexuality is a four-dimensional world of technicolour intrigues, where nothing is off the table. In fact, it can also actually be in steaming piles on top of the table. When it comes to grouping these bedroom penchants, there seems to be a label for whatever you’re into, be they a sexual appetite, a fetish, a kink or (to use the technical terms) paraphilias.
Some of these are truly beguiling, and without wanting to kink shame any individuals that engage in these interesting practices, here are a few that truly piqued our interest:
Agalmatophilia
Taking the story of the Greek mythical figure of Pygmalion to another level, this is the intense sexual attraction to statues and mannequins. We’d imagine that it would actually be a turn off if these statues were to come to life (as happened with Pygmalion) because the attraction comes from these object’s immobility.
Autassassinophilia
Ever wonder why in movies, when the main characters are facing some huge disaster and can see no way out, they start making out. Well, they probably have a touch of the autassassinophilia. This is arousal from being in intense danger, with the risk of being killed. It’s usually fulfilled through dreams, fantasy and role play, but we’d hate to be stuck in a room with one of these come to the apocalypse.
Autoplushophilia
So, imagine being so turned on by your Paddington Bear teddy. This one goes a step beyond that where you make yourself a Paddington Bear teddy and get off on the fact that you look so damn sexy. HOT.
Chremastistophilia
We can’t imagine anything worse than being robbed, but for these guys, it’s the setting for every one of their wet dreams. It’s sexual pleasure not from being in danger, but by the knowledge that something of value is being taken away from you. Explaining a robbery to the police is hard enough without having to also explain your throbbing erection.
Formicophilia
The thought of a creepy crawlies scuttering across our face is enough to keep us up at night. If you’re a formicophile then this is just a fraction of your dirtiest fantasy, you just love being crawled on by insects. We wonder if there are any I’m A Celeb contestants had this appetite, who actually had a fab time during their Bush Tucker Trials.
Homeovestism
So it turns out that norm-core wasn’t just an early ’10s trend, but actually, something that turned some people on. This is the arousal through wearing clothes that are gender appropriate. Imagine stepping into some brown brogues and an oxford shirt and it bringing you just immense pleasure.
Liquidophilia
This one’s deceptively simple. Just arousal from liquids, right? WRONG. This is arousal from immersing specifically your genitals in liquids. We’d like to think that the liquids are also very specific, like your nan’s bed-side denture water.
Narratophilia
FUCK! Did that make your privates twitch? Well, if they did then you probably have some of this in you. This is the pleasure of obscene words. Swear words are a favourite, but obscene stories will also do. We can just imagine someone tuning into Jeremy Kyle and knocking one out to the beeping noises.
Toucherism
This one explains a lot. Have you ever been waiting to order a drink at the club and then all of a sudden a hand reaches out to hold on to yours? Well, it turns out that this very act might be turning them on.
Omorashi
Being turned on by a full bladder. This is a funny one because once you have an erection it’s very hard to wee, so this might be a self-fulfilling one that’s hard to get out of. It’s a major thing over in Japan where this term originated.
