10 sexiest on-screen Santas for a sexy Santa Christmas. It’s a time for family, friends and getting together in the name of, well, togetherness. Countless young boys wake up excited to unwrap their new toys, scoff their faces full of turkey, and pass our in front of the fire after too much chocolate. But there are other young boys, however, who have a very different recollection of Christmas. For some, it’s a time of sexual awakening. How many of us out there got a little too excited at the prospect of sitting on Santa’s lap?
What makes a Sexy Santa?
His luscious snow-white locks, his bulky and soft hands, those thick and muscled arms bulging after all that heavy lifting. Let’s face it guys, Santa is the definition of a silver daddy. While some boys were excited by what Santa was bringing them, we were just excited to have him in our bedroom. You just don’t get over a Santa-obsession. To this day some can’t help but get weak at the knees at the sight of a six-packed Santa in red velvet suspenders.
When the garden centre Santa isn’t giving you that daddy energy you’re craving, then a sexy on-screen Santa has to do. Too old to sit on Santa’s lap, you have to get your jollies watching him in action in a holiday classic. Though the majority of movie Santas are sex-less, chummy and jovial, there are a few that always make guest appearances in our sexual fantasies. Here are our top 10 sexy on-screen Santas:
Sexy Santa 10. Bill Goldber, Santa’s Slay (2005)
American-Canadian comedy Christmas slasher Santa’s Slay is by no means a cherished classic. Before the days of Drag Race, “slay” meant to mercilessly end someone’s live in a violent way. It also sounds the same as “sleigh” which is notoriously what Santa cruises around in. And thus, a Christmas slasher is born. Ironically we’d love nothing more than to ride this slaying Santa. The movie has super-buff wrestler-cum-actor Bill Goldberg appear as the blood-thirsty St Nick, who’s hell-bent on terrorising the Hell Township with his cast of “hell-deer”. Bazookas, Zambonis and a secret angel Grandpa. You get the idea. All the ridiculous is worth it once Santa does away with his sleeves and you get a front-row seat at the yuletide gun show.
Sexy Santa 9. Alec Baldwin, Rise of the Guardians (2012)
If you didn’t have a nephew under twelve when this film was released in cinemas, you probably didn’t see it. Based on The Guardians of Childhoodbook series, this animated feature film has one insane Hollywood cast, with everyone from Hugh Jackman to Jude Law. Jack Frost is enlisted by Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Sandman to fight Pitch Black from engulfing the world in darkness. The Russian-born Nicholas St. North is a tall, buff beef-cake with the words “naughty” and “nice” tattooed on his forearms, and has the raspy bass tones of Alex Baldwin’s voice. SWOON. We wouldn’t mind sharing a few piroshkis with this muscovite Kris Kringle.
Sexy Santa 8. Lindsay Lohan, Mean Girls (2004)
Okay, FINE. She isn’t actually Santa at any point in this film, but has there EVER been a more iconic Santa-esque outfit. When she slaps her thighs along with the other Plastics to Jingle Bell Rocks, she might as well be Santa because she’s giving us joy. This is how you throw a party in the North Pole, bitch.
Sexy Santa 7. Jack Skellington, The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
Ever hear your female friends go on about being into tall skinny guys who look like they haven’t slept in years? We’re looking at you, Chalamet. They’ve come to set a new standard for hotness, and this is the only movie Santa we could think of that would come under that category. Think about it. He’s well dressed, bursts out into song randomly and is the king of his town. He’s basically an un-dead Troy Sivan. Not happy just to slip on the fuzzy red hat and be jolly, he’s going to make it his own, turning it on its head, make it ironic. Major Santa soft boi energy.
Sexy Santa 6. Tim Allen, The Santa Clause (1994)
Is there a fetish out there for men uncontrollably turning bigger and older really quickly? It’s probably like dating a man in his early 40s. If so then The Santa Clause must be a wet dream. Tim Allen gives major “your best friend’s dad” energy in this Disney flick, where his unapologetic mundaneness just makes you uncontrollably horny. There’s a real genre of heartthrobs that can only be summed up as early ‘90s movie dads, whether its Tom Hank in Sleepless in Seattle or John Heard in Home Alone. Allen’s developing dad bod makes us very sexually confused as this film progresses.
Sexy Santa 5. Jenny McCarthy, Santa Baby (2006)
What’s Santa bringing you this year? Not a vaccine. In case you didn’t know, once TV darling Jenny McCarthy is now the face of the anti-vax movement. She went right from playboy bunny to conspiracy-peddling bombshell. But 2006 was a simpler year. Back then, McCarthy was a simpler person. In Santa Baby, an NBC TV movie, she stars as a no-nonsense high-powered businesswoman who doesn’t have time for Christmas. She’s also [spoiler] Santa Clause’s secret daughter. GASP. When Father Christmas gets ill near Christmas, is down to her to whip the North Pole into shape, and fall back in love with her old flame Luke obviously. It’s clear that TV executives wanted to name a film after the song, and “What if Santa actually has a baby?” was the best they could do. Still, we suppose it’s better than back-up movie concept of “What if Santa actually WAS a baby?”
Sexy Santa 4. Billy Bob Thronton, Bad Santa (2003)
Everyone loves a bad boy. A Bad Santa? Hell. Yes. Starring actor who wore Angelina Jolie’s blood around his kneck for a year, Billy Bob Thornton (yes, really), this booze-guzzling, chain-smoking Santa is bad to the throbbing bone. This Mall Santa is going to take a crop of department stores for everything they’ve got. Eventually, he sees the error of his ways thanks to walking out-dated fat joke Brett Kelly. Why is it that we find awful people so unbelievably sexy?
Sexy Santa 3. Bill Goldberg, Dodge TV Advert (2018)
Everyone’s favourite beefy wrestler Jewish Santa is back! A decade after Santa’s Slay, Bill Goldberg reprised his role of sexy Santa last year in automobile manufacture Dodge’s Black Friday advert. He appears as the sort of buff Santa you’d only see in a gay porn flick. The muscular Santa declares that his sleigh needs a serious upgrade, and in our imagination, he’ll do ANYTHING to get that upgrade.
Sexy Santa 2. Robert Brian Wilson, Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
It’s perhaps THE most infamous Christmas slasher put to film, presumably because not many people have been silly enough to make much more of them. After Billy witnesses his parents’ murder on Christmas Eve, he’s sent to an abusive Catholic orphanage. In adulthood, the holidays lead him into a psychological breakdown where he dons a Santa suit and goes on a killing spree. It was pulled out of theatres a week after its release following negative reviews and controversy over its promotional material and content. Despite that, it developed a cult following and ultimately grossed $2.5 million. As the unstable Billy, Robert Brian Wilson is undeniably hot, despite being a crazed axe murderer.
And the SEXIEST SANTA IS …
Sexy Santa 1. Kurt Russel, The Christmas Chronicles (2018)
He’s still got it. Kurt Russell has still got it. Pushing seventy, he’s aged like the fucking Koh-i-Noor. Every year making him more irresistible than the last. When Netflix announced a crop of original Christmas movies, we were ready for films like the Vanessa Hudgens cinematic shit-stain that was The Princess Switch. We were NOT expecting a blue-eyed authoritative beefcake Kurt Kringle festive movie that would leave us riding candy canes in front of an open fire. He’s almost like a Rockwell Santa in motion, but way hotter. What we wouldn’t give to spend a night licking those thick rubber boots with our fingers curled up in that beard.
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