I’ll start by saying that I do not see myself as an actor. Rather, this was a form of expression that I felt would serve as the conclusion to my project.
The Dear Matthew project started in 2019. I was performing at a festival in NSW, Australia, when I met this boy named Matthew. He was an Adonis – tall, white, beautiful, blue eyes, thick brown hair, perfect smile and muscly. We exchanged Instagrams. I didn’t think much of it until the pandemic hit months later. During those difficult several years separated from my boyfriend (he was in the UK, and I was in Australia), whenever I was anxious or sad, I’d doom scroll. When I’d come across pictures of Matthew – his incredible body, his white mega hottie friends – I would be reminded of the vast difference in privileges that he and I experience. Spiralling, I did what any songwriter would do: I started writing about it. Little did I know that the song I’d start writing would become one of the most important to me.
When writing a song, sometimes it takes me two hours, sometimes two weeks. But when it came to writing about my experience of being Asian in a white-privileged community (like it often is amidst gay men), I wanted to make sure I was saying everything I wanted to, exactly how I wanted to, which came to take about a year. When the pandemic finally ended, I moved back to London to be with my boyfriend. Then began my foray into the gay London clubbing scene.
During this time, I started working at a gym. To me, it was a step into the fitness industry. Suddenly, I was surrounded by ‘Matthews’ left, right and centre every day. ‘Matthews’, who only had time for other ‘Matthews’. Although no one would explicitly say, this sunken feeling when I was the only person of colour in these environments would highlight the inescapable truth that I didn’t know was waiting for me – that the colour of my skin made me inherently invisible in this world.
Although I’d finished writing and recording Dear Matthew, the song, I knew that I wasn’t done. I’d said a lot in the song, but some important sentiments remained unsaid. And as someone who is committed to being a voice and representation for queer Asian men, I couldn’t leave those important sentiments unsaid. The idea of a short film popped into my head. A five-page script unfurled, and as I asked my friends in film and theatre to assess the script, the prospect of shooting and acting in my first-ever short film was on the horizon. I was terrified, though! All of the cliché fears stopped me from taking it any further.
That was until I met someone at a chillout who was also another ‘Matthew’. He was an Italian beast of a man who seemed without flaw. It was his simple question that propelled me into action – “Why haven’t I seen you on Grindr?” A seemingly innocent question. Yet it was coming from a boy dripping in pretty privilege, asking a person of colour, one who’s well aware that spaces like Grindr aren’t safe at the best of times. The era of ‘no fats, no femmes, no Asians’ is well alive, and he was completely unaware. THIS was why making my short film was important.
I reached out to my circuit friends looking for a real actor (not a porn actor) who looked the part. My friend Ben introduced me to Fabrizio Tullio, and I knew instantly that he was fit for the role. He was graciously charismatic and understood the struggle and hurt I was trying to convey. During rehearsals, I found myself getting lost in his piercing blue eyes as he played my oblivious boyfriend. But with his partnership, I couldn’t help but let the chemistry consume me as I got to articulate things that I never had before.
Dear Matthew is a project about coming to terms with a hurt that no one really intends to inflict, yet many feel. My deepest hope with this film is that others who know what it’s like to feel invisible get to feel seen. We all have our own version of Matthew; no one is without insecurity. And in an age where social media has led us to believe that perfection is the goal, I want people to know that everything they may perceive as an imperfection is actually beautiful.
