And so they came… and came… and came, until every possible orgasm squeezed out to the last, shuddering drop, and they fell exhausted in mass ecstasy.
Who? The incest children of Liza Minelli, darlings, that’s who. Every torn, tormented soul that’s ever beaten off to Madam’s superlative Fraulein Sally Bowles!
You want Dead Marilyn chic, glam-rock gender-blenders, and divas demented beyond all human comprehension? You got it, guys!
And yet, and yet… sure, life is a cabaret, old friends, and yes, the scene’s a stunningly diverse, psychotropic drug-user’s avant-garde dream, so how come a certain sense of complacency settled like killer tar on the lungs?
Oh, don’t blame bon vivant host and organiser Paul L. Martin, but me, I’m renowned for telling it like it is, and maybe the dreary drumbeat of familiarity hit a little too loud?
I mean, come oonnn – how many times do the same safe, efficient but unexciting crowd get lauded, and not for lack of extraordinary competition? Me, I blame the audience voters, babies – just look what survives X-factor, a show with the gall to sneer at tonight’s genuine, non-auto-tuned talent!
But of course, there were crown jewels embedded in the tinsel: David Hoyle, Penny Arcade, the Double R Club and Torture Garden, and the stellar Holly Penfield, all brilliantly proving there’s art beyond the dreams of Simon Cowell’s arid brain!
Still, a few dimes to jingle around in your thought-crimes; shouldn’t performers be judged by their peers? Face it, audience punters are as fickle as a free drink, and even grade-A garbage glitters on the razz! And absent were some true notables, the charmingly feral Rosie Lugosi, and the sublimely unhinged, Dickensian artful dodger Joe Black, both unholy grandchildren of the unforgettable1979 Blitz kids!
Even so, the night seemed tailor-made for that snottily petulant, but eerily prescient Bros line; ‘When, oh when, will I be famous?’ Well, try tonight, sweeties – it had all the electric, hyper-reality of an Andy Warhol, 15-minute fever dream!
• Royal Vauxhall Tavern, 372 kennington Lane, vauxhall SE11 5HY
• Wednesday 13th February
