To some people gay marriage may be easy enough to accept, but gay parenting is a wholly different, and far more contentious, issue.
There is a viewpoint, as voiced vehemently recently by groups like Manif Pour Tous in France, that to deprive a child of having both a mother and a father in its up-bringing is to deprive it of a basic human right. Evidently, the people who harbour this viewpoint ignore the legions of brave single parents who have brought up their children without either a mother or a father. Also, they omit to include the many children who have already been brought up by gay couples in the UK… Here we talk to two of those children, who happen also to be gay, as to their experiences of not only growing up gay in the UK, but growing up with gay parents, too.
GRACE PORTEOUS
recent graduate, 21
My parents were together for fourteen years and separated when I was nine years old. My mum ended the fourteen-year relationship and told my Dad the reason was because she was gay. Shortly after, my Dad also came out. I have lived with my Mum and her partner since the age of ten, so her partner is very much a huge part of my life and I consider her to be a step-parent; we have a very close relationship. My Dad moved away when my parents split up, but while living at home I would see him most weeks.
Throughout my teenage years my Dad had the same partner and again we got on very well and he was fantastic with both me and my sister. Even though he and my father are now separated, I still regard him as an important part of my upbringing and he is attending my sister’s wedding next year! So, my family situation growing up was not dissimilar to many other families who have separated parents: I, like some of my friends, had ‘step parents’, the only difference was, they were gay!
My family moved from London when I was five years old and relocated to Norfolk. I went to high school in a relatively small countryside school. I rarely told anyone that my parents were gay. The one time I told a friend when I was only eleven years old at primary school, she stopped being my friend and thought it was weird. I think for that reason I tried to conceal it as much as I could. Like most teenagers I would be invited over for sleepovers, but I rarely returned the offer as I was so scared that my friends would realise that my mum was gay and I expected a negative reaction!
I tried to keep it a secret through most of my time at high school, but the few friends I did tell whilst at high school seemed okay about it and were interested to know what it was like to be brought up by gay parents. However, some other people did find out and I heard people whispering about it, and some people did make nasty comments.
One group at school even changed the lyrics of Fountain of Wayne’s ‘Stacey’s Mom’ into ‘Grace’s mum is a lesbian’, which they would sing to me in the playground. I took most of the negativity with a pinch of salt. Those who I was friends with didn’t care and didn’t act any differently around my parents, and those who were negative, I just ignored.
It wasn’t until I was in the second year of university that I thought I might be gay. I spent most of my time at university with the women’s football team of which I would estimate over half were gay. I remember telling one of the older girls that I thought I might be gay and she asked the obvious questions including ‘what would your parents say, if you came out?’ I obviously laughed and explained that it would be the easiest coming out ever; my parents would obviously not care and would support me.
After thinking I could be gay I didn’t really do anything about it, I continued as I was for about 6 months without telling my parents as I wasn’t sure myself. Last summer (2012) I worked at a summer camp and fell madly in love with a girl from New Zealand. I told my mum over the phone that I had a girlfriend, it was a fairly normal conversation, really. I basically told her that my ‘friend’ who was coming to stay was actually my girlfriend.
My mum’s response was ‘okay I wont make up the spare room then’! When I told my Dad at first he thought I was joking, as we always wind each other up, but when he realised I wasn’t he was very supportive and was happy that I had found someone! I don’t know why I never told my parents that I thought I might be gay because they could probably have offered me some advice and support, but I just didn’t feel the need to until I had a girlfriend.
I am certain that I want to have children in the future. I have absolutely no concerns about raising a child in a gay family. I am happy with who I am as a person and that is down to how I was raised by my parents. I have seen firsthand that gay parents can live a happy and ‘normal’ family life and that has of course reassured me that it is perfectly fine to raise children in a gay family. I lived a very happy life and have fantastic relationships with all my parents and parents’ partners, so I see no issue at all, plus my mum and her partner can’t wait to be grandmas!
While I was brought up by both my parents so cannot speak directly on behalf of those raised by either two women or two men, in the case of my family, I literally couldn’t be more happy with how my family situation turned out. So often parents split up and for whatever reason there is hostility/conflict between the parents, but both my parents are still great friends and regularly meet up and have a laugh. I am so grateful that my parents get on. I think that children raised by either two men or two women would not be deprived and I personally think that being raised by gay parents has made me a considerate, open-minded individual who respects people’s differences. I honestly believe that age, gender, or sexuality has absolutely no bearing on how good a parent is!
SIMON KILNER
General Manager of The Eagle London, 39
Until the age of thirteen I grew up with my mother (Pat) and Father until they divorced amicably. After the split we all (mum, me, my brother and sister) moved in with my Mum’s best female ‘friend’, Trish and her three daughters in Essex. We were told this was until we could find a place of our own, but twenty-six years later my Mum is still living with Trish! In fact they are now married, it was my first gay wedding! We have all become one big family now and I have gained another mother and three sisters!
Being at school back then, in Basildon Essex, gay parents were pretty much unheard of and our living arrangements often became the focus of much schoolyard scrutiny. I just told my friends the same story Mum told me but friends were quick to cotton on when they saw how close Mum and Trish were in each others’ company. I had good friends and they never really questioned it; we never used the words gay or lesbian, they just accepted that Mum and Trish were VERY good friends!
I always knew I was gay; as a young child I knew I was different and can remember having schoolboy crushes on male friends and teachers. I went into a bit of denial in my teen years but it didn’t last long. I remember when I realised Mum was a lesbian thinking, ‘phew… This is gonna make things a whole lot easier when I come out’. Actually though, to my surprise, my Mum was quite upset when I told her.
When I tell people this they never really understand, but I think based on her experiences of coming out, she was worried I was going to have a hard time, I think on some level she blamed herself for me being gay and thought it might make my life a struggle. I have since told her, if she did pass on a gay gene to me I can’t thank her enough! I love being gay and would never have wanted any other life!
Personally I have no interest in having kids. This is not because being raised by gay parents has put me off, it’s more because I can barely look after myself, let alone kids! My brother and three of my sisters have 9 kids between them and while I love them all I could never imagine having all that responsibility. I have to take my hat off to anyone raising a family in this day and age, it just seems exhausting, but judging by my siblings very rewarding.
There are no ‘perfect’ families. It’s a myth. Get over it. I’m no expert but this idea of a father and mother and 2.4 children is just bullshit that leads to pressure and guilt on modern loving parents raising their children according to their circumstances. I was raised with a lot of love in a very solid family who have supported me throughout my childhood and adult life. I am not close to my father so my gay mothers are my only parents and I have never felt anything missing from my childhood. I am extremely proud of the way they managed to raise six kids in a happy home, I know at times it was hard for them, they were brave to go against the hetero-normative family ideals, but they pulled it off and as a result I am part of a very loving, open-minded and close knit family.
By Patrick Cash
