Bourgeois & Maurice Election Special Pt 5 – B&M On….

 


Employment

We’ve never worked a day in our life, so we don’t really know what all the fuss is about. However, in the spirit of understanding and openness, we decided to glance nonchalantly at the topic. You’re totes welcs. First thing we noticed is that apparently people actually want jobs – mental! Labour say they are the party for the working people, as do the Tories, and the Lib Dems. It’s nice that they can all agree on something for once.

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Property

Unless you live under a rock, or in outer space/zone 6, you’ll have noticed the gay bar drought suddenly sweeping London. Goodbye the Joiners Arms, so long the Black Cap, see you later Nelson’s Head (hang on in there RVT). It’s not all bad news though, because in their place we’re gonna get blocks of unaffordable flats with faux brick-work, strangely divided balconies and splashes of coloured metal to look at. For this reason we think there should be no regulation on property development – who needs gay-friendly venues when we can all stay in our bedrooms with Grindr and a warm can of G&T?

 

Immigration

We get it. It’s a tough one. On one hand you’re all “the more the merrier, join the party, YOLO”, on the other you’re thinking “we don’t have enough vodka for this many people”. It’s like having to choose between a 36 hour international warehouse party, or a dinner date with Katie Hopkins at a Harvester off the A10. Both have their merits.

 

Sex education and HIV

Fascinating fact – even Tories have sex. Though they definitely don’t like to talk about it (baby). But since the past decade has seen the number of people living with HIV in the UK almost double to more than 100,000, maybe it’s time for the next government to bring in compulsory, inclusive, sex education in schools? That’s what the Terence Higgins Trust and National AIDS Trust are pushing for, along with more public health funding, and focused training for NHS staff. Alternatively, of course, we could just ignore it, take a cold shower and cry wank over some pictures of the Queen for another five years. That seems to have worked really well so far.

 

Women

Three of the big parties now have female leaders (Green, SNP and Plaid Cymru), which is particularly great for the economy because they can do the same job for less money! In fact, if all MPs became women we could cut the House of Commons wage bill by the current gender pay gap of 19.5%*. Plus, it would allow politicians to get on with their work without being held to account by the media – they’d just talk about their appearance instead. As the Mail on Sunday so eloquently described Nicola Sturgeon in the Leaders’ Debate: “Sturgeon has shed pounds, bleached her hair, squeezed her feet into a pair of Kurt Geiger heels and rocked a coral two-piece.” Who runs the world?

 

*(ONS report 19 Nov 2014)

 

Economy

Five families in the UK have the same amount of money as 12 million UK citizens. Shocking? Well think about it for a second – rich people need more money than poor people! They have bigger houses to pay for, cars that use more petrol, and more expensive clothes. We advocate that they maintain full control of all the money because poor people can’t count and they might lose it or spend it on something silly like X Factor voting or heating. We know we do.

 

Money 

Credit Card or Savings Account? The party attitudes to managing our money…

  • Tories – a tight uncle who only ever gets you grey nylon socks for your birthday.
  • Labour– like us when we go shopping: “But the thing is, I actually really needed those £5000 shoes, because I have feet”.
  • Lib Dems – always keep the receipts cos they know they’ll change their mind.
  • Greens – have evolved beyond money.

 

Tax (me baby)

All the parties are banging on about stopping tax-avoiders, which if you haven’t heard are the new love-to-hate hipsters of 2015. None of them really say how they’ll actually do this, but since they’re all friends with the avoiders we guess they can just ask them when they’re down the pub. People are generally more honest after a few jaegerbombs anyway.

 

Voting

It’s only 2015, which means we’re not ready for online voting in the UK yet. We shouldn’t have that until at least 2095 when the stability and security of computers and online systems have really been tested. Until then we should stick to the much safer method of turning up to a community centre managed by two old ladies with eye-sight issues, tell them your name (no ID or voting card required), get given a piece of paper, which definitely can’t get lost or dropped under anything when they tip the box upside down and count them all, by hand. Much better.

 


• Got opinions about things? We want to hear them, tweet: @bourgmaurice and @QXmagazine and use the hashtags: #politiclol and #QXGayLondon

• The People’s Republic of Bourgeois of Maurice is at Brighton Spiegeltent on 9th May. www.brightonspiegeltent.com 

• Middle of the Road with David Hoyle is at Soho Theatre 3rd-13th June. www.sohotheatre.com

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