Ensconced in an arch in Vauxhall, it’s Counter! Cutlery tinkles, champagne sprinkles and cute waiters saunter between the tables, holding aloft steaming platters of gorgeous melt-in-the-mouth halibut, or even, perhaps, a bowl of macaroni & cheese balls, which are HEAVEN. ON. A. PLATE.
Last time we were there we got entranced by watching Gin zest a lemon. Sorry, confusing. We’re not talking about Gin the drink, we’re talking about Gin the person. He’s a waiter at Counter. Gin is Eastern European, has a lovely grin, and when he’s not being a waiter at Counter, Gin is a waiter at Counter. Anyway he zests lemons wonderfully. It makes us wish WE were lemons (sometimes, on Monday mornings, we are a bit of a lemon).
It’s all in the detail at Counter. From the lovely ambient lighting (LOVE a bit of ambient lighting) to Gin’s flawless, slightly erotic lemon-zesting. There are marble tables too. Actual marble! A luxury for us. We’re used to sticky East London greasy spoon plastic tables. Or actually just eating supernoodles out of a bowl on our chests whilst skipping through Charlotte’s bits on old episodes of Sex & The City. So marble tables and all this gasp-inducing gastronomy is untold riches for us! Marble tables are a bit daunting actually. Put your glass down too hard and SMASH. 250ml of lovely crisp Pinot gone, forever!
Now they’ve got yet another delicious string to their culinary quartet, with the launch of BackCounter! It’s an extra bit at the back that’s always very gay (insert jokes about being gay and ‘at the back’). It’s not dissimilar to the rest of Counter, except there’s a big stone penis sculpture in the window, and usually a drag queen performing. Which obviously makes everything ten times better.
Esteemed performers to have already graced the Voho eatery hallowed halls include the internationally ignored and unfashionably late Vanity Von Glow, who does a roof-raising rendition of ‘Chandelier’ by Sia, and sometimes swings from the chandelier herself. Or at least from the nearest twink. Then there’s dashing, dastardly Duncan Day, who is very talented and very Irish. And then Topsie Redfern, who’s like a show pony crossed with a much more glamorous and talented version of Cheryl Cole.
Also next week heralds their special HALLOWEEK extravaganza, including a very special movie mash-up of Rocky Horror Show and A Clockwork Orange on October 31st. They’ve even written this lovely poem to give you a taster:
Droogs take over the bar and Transylvanians take the floor
Show us your best costume – you know the score!
Choose your poison from our lab
And come see what we’ve got on the slab
It’s free entry in costume or £10 at the door, plus they’ll have special Halloween cocktails served from vintage airline carts. Snazzy!
• Counter/BackCounter is at Arch 50, 7-11 South Lambeth Place, SW8 1SP