New Year is Peque’s favourite time of year; a time to recharge, restart and refresh. But let’s be honest, how many of those resolutions are you going to keep? Below are the UK’s most popular resolutions (or so LP claims, as several of these seem…questionable) and here are her thoughts on each of them. Brace yourselves…

1. Go on a diet/lose weight. 

“It is probably not going to happen for me this year either. If you are a personal trainer and you want to help me with this, let me know. I will pay you the best way I know how…“

2. Go on a holiday or mini-breaks 

“Travel and see more of the world. Vauxhall doesn’t count. Best destination : SPAIN. “

3. Read more books. 

“Karma Sutra is both entertaining and educational”

4. Drink less alcohol. 

“I don’t see the point”

5. Give up smoking. 

“Drink more alcohol instead”

6. Spend more time with family. 

“You will end up killing your brother.”

7. Cook more often. 

“Does Tesco frozen pizza count?”

8. Spend less time on social media. 

“Don’t post every single meal you have. If you don’t have anything interesting to say, shut up. Spend less time checking your phone, Stop looking at your phone when eating.. I personally hate when people are literally obsessed with the phone., Recording a performance instead of watching it? I don’t understand. LIVE your life instead of watching others or posting it.”

9. Back up your computer more often. 

“I don’t have a clue how to do it.”

10. Spend less time online on your sex profiles. 

“Doesn’t apply in hungover or extremely horny situations.”

11. Work less overtime. 

“Impossible in London. Worked hard for twelve hours? PLAY hard for twelve hours! Balance.”

12. Do something pro-active for a cause, such as help the homeless, local farms, refugees etc. 

“I would love to get more involved in LGBT community events this year. Let me know if you want me help with something I will do my best. And look glamorous doing it.”

13. Eat more avocadoes/quinoa/whatever healthy food is currently fashionable.

“Eat my ass.”

14. Shop online less. 

“How many times have you needed to refund jockstraps bought on line? Stop and go to the shops, you never know, the sales assistant helping you try on might be the love of your life. Or the love of your next twenty minutes”

15.Straighten or blow-dry your hair less. 

“You don’t want to look like a crazy burnt bitch.”

16.Stop taking selfies. 

Honestly it is very ridiculous when you do it all the time…”

“LIVE your life instead of watching others or posting it.”

17.Stop posting on social media after you have been drinking. 

“I endorse this one fully.”

18.Have sex more often. 

“There is always a room to improve.”

19. SEX. 

“Be generous please.”

20. HAVE SEX WITH 2016 (???)

“I WISH YOU A MILLION ORGASM THIS YEAR.”

“Feliz año nuevo, cariños!”