The Show Must Go On – performers recount their worst moments.

Jason Reid asks eight cabaret performers to recount their worst on-stage gaffes! 

It can be a cabaret artist’s worst nightmare, but an audience member’s secret pleasure;
when it all goes tits up (so to speak). As a judge, I always encourage new artists to carry on, smile, and make a joke out of a messy situation. It can and does happen to almost everyone at one time or another, and usually with hilarious consequences… I asked eight of the scene’s cabaret performers to recount their most cringe-worthy onstage gaffs! The show must go on!

Ripley
Last year, I was performing at a dinner and cabaret evening in Essex. On the way to the venue, I was feeling my fantasy and taking multiple selfies without really paying attention to where I was stepping and I ended up skidding through a massive pile of dog shit. Unfortunately my heels had serrated soles so I couldn’t get the shit out of the grooves. When showtime arrived I knew I was stinking, but luckily the smell of the buffet was so strong nobody could tell – and the carpet was dark, so my telltale brown footprints were thankfully obscured. On my way home I left the shoes on the train. Those poor bastards in lost and found with my shitey heels!

Rubyyy Jones
This year, on New Years Eve, for the first time ever: I fell flat, smack on my face, onstage. For hilarity’s sake, I was also wearing a dozen balloons and a fly head. I got up as quick as I could and continued, but I was injured. In that moment, I was so grateful for my years of experience because I could still perform well, but also protect myself and my precious bod.

Vinegar Strokes
I was once in charge of my own sound and halfway through Barbie Girl (of all songs) my iPad died. DISASTER! I finished the song a Capella and knocked out some improvised patter. SUCCESS! My advice to new queens: be in the moment and soldier on.

Little Cosmic

I love a good heckler because they do the show for you. I had an audience member who thought he knew everything about drag because he’d watched that American programme about ‘sissying walks’. I gave him two strikes and on the third I got a lesbian to hold the microphone whilst I picked him up, put him over my shoulder and threw him out the fire exit.

Son Of a Tutu
You are not a performer until you’ve fallen onstage: Beyonce, Gaga and yes, Tutu. My most memorable (the most embarrassing) happened during a Christmas show. I was perched on a diva-stool with a hunk on my knee whilst giving the crowd my emotional rendition of “Oh Holy Night”. The hunk got up to turn around and faced me, then I closed my eyes in a dramatic back-lean, and opened them in time to see the look of horror on everyone’s face just before I hit the deck, backwards. What’s a girl to do but finish the song writhing around on the floor with the hunk: it was the best way to bluff my way through the excruciating pain and embarrassment. Oh, and he smelt nice too.

Topsie Redfern
I’ll never forget the time I told an audience member off for not clapping, only to find out he had…one arm. One of those ‘ground swallow me up movements’.  There’s been lots of times when my wig has fallen off too, which everyone always finds absolutely hilarious.

Mary Mac
Many things have gone wrong in my shows and honestly the audience love it if you can make it seem like it hasn’t bothered you. I was singing a Cher Medley, put together badly by me, and the CD kept jumping during Turn Back Time – literally turning back time. The more I sang that one line the more the audience roared; the poor DJ was so apologetic but I thanked him and it got a huge round of applause when we eventually got to the end. Sometimes secretly I pray it jumps again.

Carmen Dioxide
On occasion just before going on stage the zip split on my outfit. I ended up having to safety pin the back together so I didn’t go on stage with my tits hanging out. Moments like that you just face forward, make small movements, keep smiling, and PRAY TO JEBUS.