Ahead of XXL’s wrestling party this Saturday, we look at the hottest wrestlers we’d be happy to be pinned down by!
XXL is not the sort of club to do restrained, minimalistic nights. Everything they do is completely over-the-top with no half-measures. MASSIVE dance floors!
BIG men! LABRYNTH-esque dark rooms! This moreish flamboyance makes it a perfect match for wrestling, which is handy, because that’s the very theme of their night this coming Saturday!
There’s no denying that wrestling is the most homoerotic sport of all. In fact, it’s barely a sport really. It clearly started out as an excuse for men to grope each other while not wearing very much and it’s got out of hand to the extent that straight people now pay lots of money to watch what is essentially choreographed foreplay.
Plus, it attracts its fair share of sorts. Big, burly BUGGERS of men. So to get in the spirit of the night, we’ve put together a list of some of hottest wrestlers.
OIL WRESTLERS
In one of Joanna Lumley’s illuminating and oddly calming travel documentaries, she went to Greece and watched some locals grapple with each other while drenched in olive oil, which sounds remarkably like [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REASONS]. Anyway, it was hot and Joanna probably said it was a ‘truly lovely experience’.
ASS MAN
One Christmas in the early noughties, our family got a Playstation with a WWF game. I would always choose to be a character called Ass Man, which looking back, can now be pinpointed as the earliest indicator of a forthcoming gayness. He also had a supremely camp theme tune, which includes the lyrics ‘so many asses, so little time, only a tight one, can stop me on the dime’. No comment. Plus, as per the remit, he’s hot.
THE ROCK
Before he became a failsafe sign of whether or not to bother watching a film, Dwayne Johnson was one of the most successful WWF wrestlers of all time. He’s got that cheeky glint in his eyes that suggest he’d take you to dinner before doing the People’s Elbow on you.
THE LEGION OF DOOM
This suggestion came from Steve, our office bear-in-residence. They were a successful tag team comprised of Hawk and Animal and are a quarter of a tonne of muscles, mohawks, and the sort of face paint that looks like it might give you an allergic reaction.
BIG DADDY
Way before it became obligatory to call every gay man over the age of 26 ‘daddy’, there was Big Daddy. Boasting a 66-inch chest, he formed a tag team with the equally hulking Giant Haystacks and entertained the nation on teatime telly. We’d let him pummel us in the ring.
XXL Wrestle is on Saturday 26th August at Pulse, 1 Invicta Plaza, South Bank, SE1 9UF, 9pm-9am, members £11, non-members £16
