By Dylan B Jones
When the temperature hits anything upwards of 26 degrees in London, the streets of places like Angel and Covent Garden become absolute carnarge – girls called Sophie fall headfirst out of Wahaca, mojito in one hand, taco in the other; bins overflow with Sainsbury’s mini sausage roll packets and premixed cans of gin & tonic; tanned men swagger through Clapham in string vests and threadbare cut-off shorts, freshly converted from Topman jeans with a swift pair of scissors.
So how do we negotiate the madness? Well luckily, there’s now a handy QX guide! Yes!
So take note, get out in the heat, and DEAL WITH IT
Listen to lots of Shakira
Shakira will get you through the sweaty weather, her music is absolutely perfect for it. You could also take a leaf out of her book, and jump in a fountain. Shakira bloody loves a fountain, she can’t walk past one without jumping in it. Good fountains to jump in are the Trafalgar Square one, obviously, and also that one on Piccadilly with all the horses.
Don’t do drag
Like, you just can’t. You’ll melt. There’s now a latex puddle on Kingsland Road that used to be Virgin Xtravaganzah.
Pop by Soho House for a dip
What else can you do in this heat?!
Don’t top
It’s far too energetic, in this heat. You’ll get a headrush and it’s just not worth it. Far easier just to throw yourself face down on the nearest cool surface and be the bottom. And if you’ve never bottomed before or if you’re a ‘masc top’, get over yourself. This is a HEATWAVE.
Have sex on the bonnet of a car
When the heat’s like this, you can’t NOT have sex on the bonnet of a car. Preferably in the late-ish evening, when the light is going golden. Oh, and you have to be wearing a tight white t-shirt, and he has to be some sort of gruff, stubbled type. And the car has to be a dusty red sports car. This is not based on a personal experience we’ve had, honestly.
Get drunk
This will help you sleep.
Don’t have poppers
Not a good idea! Have an ice pop instead!
Get the overground! It’s got air conditioning!
For ONCE, on the warmest days of the year, the Overground goes from being one of the most unreliable and annoying aspects of TfL, to being the CELEBRITY of TfL. Not only does it have air conditioning, it goes to all the gorgey parks! Hampstead Heath! Crystal Palace! London Fields! Hooray!
Eat lots of watermelon
Watermelon is lovely, and it’s also very IN at the moment. It’s on shirts, it’s on dresses, it’s on hats. It’s also a fruit, that you can eat. It’s very refreshing.
Do not, under any circumstances, pose on an inflatable unicorn on Instagram
Just inexcusable.
Remember how much you complain about bad weather
If ever you feel tempted to complain – don’t you DARE! As Brits, we spend ten months of the year moaning about how we don’t get sun, so we must remember that when we do, we must be grateful. Bask in its glory, like a clichéd object of desire in a 1930s gay novella. Be bold, be tanned, be HOT.
NB: There is the distinct possibility that all of this is a result of global warming and we’re not sure why everyone’s not PANICKING but that’s another WordPress article for another time.
