It’s okay to be honest about dating as a bisexual man – even if you’ve been told some women won’t take you seriously.
By Lewis Oakley
Each year, September 23rd is internationally recognised as Bi Visibility Day, a moment of celebration where bisexual people make themselves visible in a world which usually mistakes them as straight or gay. This year is different, marking 20 years of Bi Visibility Day. But just how much progress has been made in the last two decades? And does gay culture help or hinder the process?
Even in today’s supposedly forward-thinking world, bi men are often viewed as gay, in a phenomenon known as “androcentric desire hypothesis”. This basically means gay and lesbian people view both bisexual men and women as more attracted to men. Gay culture in particular struggles to understand how men who like men can also like women. An attitude which has not gone unnoticed.
Research shows 66% of bi people don’t feel comfortable in LGBT+ spaces with many saying it was the most common place to experience biphobia.
This needs to change, and it can, but not just by lecturing certain gay men on their attitudes towards bi guys. We also need to empower bi men to believe in themselves and walk with pride.
For the last four years, I’ve been on a mission, to be as loud and proud about being bisexual as possible. It’s been a lot of TV shows, endless articles, radio chats and yes taking my clothes off – whatever works. I want to show men like me (88% of which are in the closet) that it is possible to be out, confident and happy. Maybe if I make enough of a spectacle of myself writing the word “bisexual” on my naked body, someone reading it might finally be able to tell their girlfriend and free themselves of the anxiety.
One place to start on this is tackling the idea that bisexual men are not ‘man enough’ to be taken seriously by women.
Over the years many men have written to me, some with stories practically identical. It goes a little like this:
They realised they liked men and society told them they were gay and so they came out as such. Years later, they find themselves surrounded by all gay friends and culture but realise they do still have attractions to women. They feel stuck and conclude it would be too tricky to come out as bisexual. Who would believe them? More importantly what woman is going to want to date a camp guy who has only ever been with men?
My answer is always the same – why would you want those women to find you attractive? Why go through the struggle of coming out as bisexual only to conform to get a partner? There are women out there who will find you attractive. It just might be harder to find them.
Explaining this to your gay friends can be hard. I remember the first time my gay friends saw my bisexuality in action when I was kissing a girl after years of dating a guy.
In many ways I think some of my gay friends took my bisexuality harder than anyone in my family. I think some of them felt I was betraying the coven. Others just couldn’t understand what women would be interested in a guy like me.
At the end of the day, I’m no therapist, gay men need to own their shit. If they have hang-ups about men being bisexual they need to keep it to themselves and not impart their prejudice on people.
There is no difference between someone telling a gay man he is straight but confused and a gay man telling a bisexual guy he is gay and confused.
If there is one thing you do this Bi Visibility Day ask yourself when it comes to bisexuals – are you a bit of a dick? Are you a hypocrite? Do you demand acceptance for your sexuality but refuse to give it to others? If so, what better time than right now to reassess your attitudes.
To the bi guys reading this, just know that even though we struggle to be visible there are happy, successful bisexuals all around you. Seek them out and let’s have each other’s back.
Follow Lewis Oakley on Twitter @lewyoaks
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