Gay New Year Resolutions For 2022
Yes, it’s that time of year again. Like a phoenix from the ashes, it’s time to emerge from the rubble of your booze-guzzling, fag-puffing 2019 self and become a better queer. It’s time to baptise yourself in the leftover prosecco from New Year’s Eve, and wipe your sticky slate clean. There’s no knowing what will be unfolding this year, but it’s always good to start it out on the right track. Even if you give up halfway through January, you can scream “I TRIED” at strangers on the street who are asking you why you’re drinking a margarita at 2 pm on a Monday. Here’s a couple of Gay New Year Resolutions to jot onto this year’s list:
Gay New Year Resolutions is…
… to See a Sunday Morning in 2022
Remember the last time you woke up before midday on a Sunday? We don’t either. Working hard throughout the week means that when the weekend rolls around, we’re dying to get out there and shake our collective arses to a Diana Ross remix. Friday night’s post-work drinks often get out of hand, and bailing on your Saturday night plans is out of the questions, so Sunday tends to bear the brunt of your heavy weekend. In all fairness, it is that one day of the week when the alarm doesn’t have to deafen you in the ear. After all, as Cockdestroyer Rebecca More was famously quoted as saying in Genesis 2:2, “Sunday, a day of rest”. But here’s the thing: Sunday is half of your weekend. Do you really want to spend it buried in your linens?
There’s so much to get out and do on a Sunday, so this year maybe don’t head to the after-after party and see the glorious AM’s of the day of rest. Even if it’s just rolling out of bed, and getting showered and dressed, you’re sure to get a hell of a lot more out of your day. Just kick that one night stand out and get on with your day a few hours earlier. And if you’re wondering, staying up until 10 am on your Saturday night out doesn’t count.
… to Clean Up the Look
Listen up, queers. Looking better just makes you feel better. Looking better is fun. If you know you’re looking good, the world is your cruising bar. Nothing puts a pep in your step quite like knowing your look is on point. You’re sure to be bombarded with gym membership deals, and articles urging you to eat better, but getting fit takes time. Getting a stellar outfit together takes 15 minutes. If your wardrobe is crammed full of stuff you’ll never wear, why not chuck most of it out? All you need is a handful of cute basics (coincidentally, ‘cute basic’ is the look we’re going for this year), and a few show-stoppers and you’re sorted. Quality over quantity! That goes for your shopping habits too. Invest in things that you know will last. Always better to have one good shirt than a handful of okay ones.
… to Finally Read “Call Me By Your Name” AND the sequel
You know you should, but it’s just, like… a lot.
Gay New Year Resolution … to Delete the Apps
Yes, you say this every year but this time you MEAN it. The tide is turning on digital dating, and soon we’ll be able to abandon them altogether. The hook-up app came into its own in a time when society still viewed us, queers, as “other”, but now we should be able to flirt in public. Ask yourself when was the last time you chatted someone up at a bar? When was the last time you winked at a stranger on the tube? And then ask yourself when was the last time you walked right up to a fellow queer and gave them an unprompted compliment?
It feels though London, in particular, has an issue around talking to strangers. We avoid it all costs. There’s nothing sexy about a stiff upper lip. It’s time to get off Grindr and enter the world of awkward chat-up lines and prolonged glances.
… to Be a Better Ally
A serious one. Strap in, sweeties. Gay New Year Resolutions. As the year passes, the notion of an “LGBTQ+ community” just feels like less and less of a reality. It’s a grouping that puts people with completely contradictory views in the same box. The cracks are there, with some gay women coming out against trans rights, and some gay men scoffing at the notion of anything outside of the gender binary. It wasn’t that long ago that we were all social outcasts, imprisoned and openly assaulted just for being who we are. We must support each other, even if we disagree on some issues. The fight isn’t over for any of us, the progress we’ve made could be erased in a matter of months. The least we can do is just turn up for each other and be in each other’s corners.
… to Befriend a Drag Queen
Ladies and gentlegays, let it be known that the drag bubble is about to burst. There have been approximately 354 seasons of Drag Race to date, and people are beginning to get a little bored of it. But there were drag queens before drag went mainstream, and there’ll be plenty here when drag becomes passé. Remember the death of disco? It’s going to be like that, except with more fake lashes and imploding egos. For us queer folks, drag queens have been at the front line of our battles, and we owe them so much. A queen in her sixties has seen SO much, just ask John Sizzle. Befriend a queen, turn up to her gigs, and support your local performers!
… to Look Into What TikTok Is
You keep seeing them everywhere but still aren’t quite sure what they are.
Gay New Year Resolution … to Learn to Love Your Lumps
You lovely lady lumps. At times it feels like every single homosexual in London has a six-pack and thick bulging arms. That isn’t the case, so stop beating yourself up for skipping the gym, or for tucking into that third Terry’s Chocolate Orange of the morning. If you don’t love your body now, you might never love it, no matter how ripped you get. There’ll always be something you think needs improving, so take some time to love what you have. It’s easy to forget that no matter how much like Jabba the Hutt you think you look, there’ll always be someone out there who wants to fuck you. Don’t think so? Take a deep dive into an amateur porn site and see people of all shapes and sizes getting view after view, like after like, horny comment after horny comment. Until you find someone or somebodies to love you out there, it’s essential that you love yourself. Grab the pompoms and get cheering team you. Lizzo wasn’t put on this planet to be ignored.
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