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Mighty Hoopla has become THE event on gay London’s summer calendar. There’s something about drinking a plastic tumbler of warm rosé while watching a solo member of Girls Aloud throw herself around in a circus tent that just ticks EVERY BOX.

It’s always a great, fun, camp day. But we’ve decided a survival guide is necessary. See below!

Get wasted the night before
If you get wasted the night before, you’re better equipped for all-day drinking because your body’s built up a resistance and you won’t peak too early. That’s a proven scientific fact.

Don’t “plan your outfit”
Only boring unimaginative gays do this. Just go in whatever’s on your bedroom floor or whatever you wake up in. You’ll look so much cooler. 

Don’t drink cider
Cider is really sugary and you’ll eventually get a sugar crash and collapse halfway through Jamelia “Beware of the Dog”. What a way to go!

Bring lube
Of course, we don’t condone sex in public places, we’re only telling you to bring lube because it works great as a…hand sanitizer? Yeah. Let’s go with that.

Don’t wear one of those ASOS sparkly sequin t-shirts
Fucking everyone wears those. Also those Topman vertical red and black stripe ones. NO NO NO.

Wear sunglasses
Regardless of the weather, wear sunglasses. This will decrease the likelihood of having to talk to exes, people you never replied to on Grindr, and basics from Twitter. 

Pretend you don’t recognise anyone 
If someone runs up to you and goes “omg hi!” just look at them in a confused way and smile. This will infuriate them and will be hilarious.

Don’t try to plan out which acts to see
It never works, and then you’ll be all pissed off that you’ve missed Tove Lo’s disco tits. Just go with it! (Starring Jennifer Aniston)

Befriend a drag queen
If you’re with a drag queen you will immediately have more fun and get more attention.

Don’t wait for friends to piss about doing this or that or going to the toilet or going to the bar
Pissing about is NOT ALLOWED. If they wanted to piss about, they should have gone to Oxford Street. 

SO that’s it basically – lube, wear what you want, and take no shit from anyone. That could apply to being gay in general actually. 

 

Get your tickets to Mighty Hoopla while there are still some left.  

 

READ MORE:

How To Survive London on £50 Per Week

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Bootylicious is a gay club night at Union club in Vauxhall, London

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