Growing up in the 1990s, I had, probably like many at that time and before, a pervasive fear of coming out. Old representations in some aspects of the media, homophobic slurs bandied about in the street, overheard outdated judgmental opinions, having feelings as a thirteen-year-old boy for other boys of my age, and not daring to speak out for fear of being ridiculed. Life in Simon’s mind and body was a constant state of self-denial, bottling up my true feelings, dreading being found out, and feeling as if I were constantly under surveillance by the world. ‘You sound gay! Do you fancy me?’ (said with tones of menace at me).
I was always being asked by people, ‘Oh… have you got a girlfriend?’ ‘No’ would come my answer, ‘I am prioritising work…one day’ (I knew this would never be). A few girls seemed to show interest in this autistic kid from southeast London, but there was none in return. I had zero feelings towards girls. They got frustrated and walked off!
We talk of surveillance and I don’t mean technological. For me every day was lived through the prism of being found out. The 90s to me were not such a great time.
The truth is, my nervous system, my mind, body, and spirit had had enough. I just wanted to be me. When I came out to my family they accepted me completely. They gave me their full support and wanted me to be happy. Sadly, some aren’t so lucky. I had finally found my inner voice and had the courage to be who I wanted to be. I had had enough. I was going to be myself in the world and do it to the hilt!
As an autistic gay man, my own preference was to date online; the idea of social gatherings or dating in person had me diving for cover. Nightclubs were too noisy and just not for me. It was the most liberating feeling to just be myself. Fortunately, I never encountered any weirdos! I dated online for about a year before I met my beautiful husband and soul partner, James. We were one of the first gay couples to tie the knot.
To me, the country in which I live (the UK) feels a lot safer to be gay than it did 30 years ago. Hopefully, things won’t change for the worse; however, it is so easy for people’s rights to be eroded in subtle, gradual ways, and before you know it…
Recently, James and I watched Victim, a film from 1961 starring Dirk Bogarde, which starkly reminds one that attitudes of the day were very different from how they are 60-plus years on, and a return to such a time would be unforgivably atrocious.
We talk of surveillance, every day being afraid to be oneself for fear of being judged, which brings me neatly to the plays I’ve been working on: Charlie and Striptease. Charlie, an absurdist comedy, concerns two characters, Grandpa and Grandson. They are looking to get Grandpa a pair of glasses so he can see to shoot Charlie. Who is Charlie, an intellectual perhaps? Both these two characters are fiercely and dogmatically proud that they cannot read! (Cue the darkly absurd comedy).
In Striptease, both men cannot trust each other. How much do they confide in each other? What does the other know? Say something wrong, and you end up in a strange room, where weird things start to unfold. What is the truth behind each of the two characters? Might the other be a spy?
Although not in the text, playwright Sławomir Mrożek gives the actor a great deal of freedom to imagine the circumstances of the character’s individual truths. I gave my character a secret story, related to his personal life, that would most definitely affect the way he lives his life in a totalitarian state, and in my mind, it is, unfortunately, that which seals his fate. Being gay in the imagined totalitarian state of the play (set over 60 years ago) is the reason, as far as I’m concerned, that he has wound up in the waiting room. I won’t give any further spoilers! Despite the more sobering tone of the second play, absurdity offers light relief as the two characters intellectually spar. The play, in its essence, poses the question, ‘What is freedom?’
With the truth I have given my character, the last few moments of the play, especially the monologue, are particularly challenging to act, and I cannot help but feel his pain.
Simon, 44, lives in Crystal Palace.
Charlie and Striptease run as a double bill until 9 May 2026 at The Golden Goose Theatre, 146 Camberwell New Road, Camberwell, London SE5 0RR, United Kingdom.
Cast: Rowland D. Hill, Simon Brandon, Kenneth Michaels, Orsolya Nagy. Directed by Orsolya Nagy and Produced by DRH Arts.
Production Images:
All images supplied.
