Cliff Joannou chats to the inimitable D.E. Experience about the impending return of Trannie Lennox…
Trannie Lennox is back! And she’s bitching! Tell our beloved readers who the fuck she is!
Well, Cliff, that kind of language is totally unnecessary. You besmirch the good name of journalists with your potty tongue!
Sorry luv, it’s part of the staff training at QX Towers…
Anyway, Trannie is the love child of Annie Lennox and Billy Connolly. Unfortunately, she has her father’s worst traits alongside her mother’s beautiful voice. She’s a bisexual obsessive compulsive or OCDC and she’ll never teach again! Don’t ask…please. A lover of whisky and a committed alcoholic, she’s never happier than when she’s devouring a large Black Bush.
When did she make her first appearance?
Trannie first came to notice after being arrested outside the RVT a few years back. She was throwing stones up at the window of the manager’s flat and shouting obscenities, although exactly what she was shouting was never established as she is inclined to slur when inebriated… and… she’s Scottish! Her community service included performing for charity at the RVT and she was a hit.
Rumours have abounded of a clandestine S&M relationship between Trannie and the RVT manager, Jason Dickie. Is there any truth in these rumours?
Jason Dickie is far too decent for that… I think. I’m not even sure what you mean by S&M. Jason is a practicing Buddhist anyway and I think you’ll find that means celibacy… so if M&S is kinky, it’s just not him.
Edna, it’s actually S&M and it means…oh, never mind. Is a second outing for Trannie Lennox comparable to releasing ‘that difficult second album’?
Trannie has taken the years since her first appearance to reflect. Well, OK, she’s been in prison twice. So her performance on New Year’s Day at the RVT will be as much a sentimental expression of deep regret, lost love and longing as a chance for her to venture outside her hostel while still on tag.
What can one look forward to at a Trannie Lennox performance?
Trannie’s saving grace is her voice. As long as she isn’t drunk, she’s the very spit of her mother, vocally and visually. When she’s sober she can sound like a multitude of angels playing with your heart. Listening to her is like having a sweet dream. I visited Trannie during her last custodial sentence and Trannie and the ‘sisters’ were doing it for themselves… constantly. I think her time inside has changed her.
“A lover of whisky and a committed alcoholic, she’s never happier than when she’s devouring a large Black Bush.”
Will we hear any Eurthymics classics? Is David Stewart invited to the party?
Trannie has asked me not disclose her set list for New Year’s day but simply said to tell you, “It’s alright. Baby’s comin’ back.” Unfortunately, Dave Stewart won’t be coming. He’s in panto in Ipswich, apparently. Andy Stewart might pop in though.
What is Trannie Lennox’s New Year’s resolution?
To be feminine. Trannie will undergo gender reassignment in April and when her pudenda is healed, she’s moving to the Isle of Skye to join a lesbian commune where they shear sheep with their teeth and knit thick woolen sweaters.
• Trannie Lennox is at S.L.A.G.S / CHILL OUT NYD at The Royal Vauxhall Tavern (372 Kennington Lane, SE11 5HY) on Tuesday 1st January, 2pm–midnight.
