NAKED NIGHTMARES

G-A-Y owner Jeremy Joseph and Porn Idol judges Michael Mitchell, Baga Chipz and Tanya Hyde share their top tips for success at the weekly amateur strip contest, and their personal worst Halloween memories…

Michael ‘Bitch-all’ Witch-ell

1. Just be yourself.

2. When your naked on stage don’t bend over showing your chocolate starfish to the audience!

3. If you’re ugly make put loads of make-up on so we can’t see your face, please.

Most Horrible Halloween

My worst Halloween experience was when I was 17 and working at Disneyland Paris I hooked up with a guy dressed as a zombie. After we did it. we showered and both washed off our makeup and  I discovered that I shagged my friends boyfriend I was horrified

Jeremy ‘Jeepers Creepers’ Joseph

1. You’re going to be stripping on Halloween, so get ready to be a ‘Thriller’! No nightmares please!

2. It doesn’t matter what you look like on Halloween! If you’re a minger, disguise it with a Halloween outfit. I won’t be wearing one as anyone who has slept with me will know it’s scary enough as it is.

3. If it’s small, disguise it with a maggot. If you haven’t trimmed, disguise it as a cobweb.

Most Horrible Halloween 

I came ‘out’ at a Halloween party to a guy who I thought was absolutely stunning. I told him I was gay. Unfortunately I came ‘out’ for no reason because he just wasn’t interested. What a bitch! And there was me hoping I could lose my virginity on Halloween…

(Body) Baga Chipz

1. Shave thart bush! It’s not a pretty sight when you look like you’re giving birth to cousin IT from the Addams Family.

2. I know it’s Halloween and its an excuse to get the blood out, but girls if you’re gonna enter G-A-Y Porn Idol do it when your not on the blob. It looks like a little mouse has crawled up ya tuppence!

3. How to win? Flirt with me, grope me, tell me how beautiful and elegant I look, and that after the show you’re gonna smash me back door in and take me on a dirty weekend to Butlin’s with the cash prize.

Most Horrible Halloween

Due to me being elegant, classy and the spitting image of her I thought I would go out as Princess Di. I looked stunning, until I had to walk past a school in Birmingham at 8.30am in the morning pissed as a fart with make-up all down me face. People were shouting Myra Hindley!

Tanya (Jekyll and) Hyde

1. Be able to dance. Some people look like they are having electric shock treatment.

2. Have a wash. You can come dressed as a corpse for Halloween but don’t smell like one.

3. Don’t take on the coven. Some contestants get cocky with the judges, be warned for one night only we can be even more evil! [Cackles]

Most Horrible Halloween

One year I was wearing one of those all in one fishnet body stockings. Before I went on stage, I was out having a smoke and I caught myself on a nail. So, I was slowly unraveling down to my bra and knickers. I still have the outfit but now it resembles Gollum’s loin cloth.

• G-A-Y Porn Idol is at Heaven (Under the Arches, Villiers Street, Charing Cross, WC2N 6NG) every Thursday, 11pm-4am. Win £100 on the night and £1,000 in the Final. To enter, simply text 07789 553 868 to take part!