FLYING WITH BEARS
Many bears fly to Provincetown for Bear Week over the Summer and love the woods and outdoors. When bears are forced to fly on a small Cessna 8 seater Cape Air plane the airline must take into consideration 1 bear equals 2 normal sized people and to watch for over weight flights. Sometimes the plane can only reach 4ft above the sea which is great for the bears as they can reach the water with their big paws and scoop up some salmon to eat en route.
CAPE AIR (Fear): Only airline that flies from Boston to P. Town for Bears during Bear Week in P. town, they should catch the ferry to avoid a water landing.
IN-FLIGHT MEAL: They love hot dogs and carbs
FLYING WITH TWINKS
Twinks are usually very energetic, young, excited and think the whole world revolves around them because they are youthful and pretty, but fucking stupid. The most enthusiastic traveller of them all. Twinks don’t really care what airline they fly they’re just happy they are going somewhere with Kylie is playing and cheap cocktails are served. They usually fly EasyJet out of Gatwick South to cut costs so they can spend more on drugs and booze. You will find twinks will leave a trace of fake tan all over their seats.
EASYJET or RYANAIR: The cheaper the better.
IN-FLIGHT MEAL: Their own faces.
FLYING WITH DRAG QUEENS
Drag queens can be bitchy cunts and want everything done their way and their time (Drag time). Unfortunately airlines can’t wait for them but they will expect them to. They huff and they puff and they will blow your check in down if they get charged excess baggage and they usually travel with so much excess baggage they might as well have chartered a private jet. British Airways would best accommodate a drag queen for its no nonsense, attention to detail and fuck you attitude. On BA they push you into your seat: “Here’s your champagne, here’s your warm macadamaia nuts, don’t bother me, I will be in the galley reading OK magazine, so FUCK OFF!”
BRITISH AIRWAYS: Best drag attitude from the BA cabin crew, they fit right in.
IN-FLIGHT MEAL: Kir Royale.
FLYING WITH FAG HAGS
Annoying shitfaced straight girls who hang out with gays because no straight man wants to fuck them. They are like sheep and will follow gays everywhere. They are like Herpes, you can never get rid of them unless they choke on their own vomit after drinking so much at the gay clubs. There is no airline for them, they are best suited to a Southern Railway train to Brighton than flying, but if they had to fly best they fly out of Stanstead on RyanAir.
RYANAIR: They fit right in with the rest of the shitfaced chavs.
IN-FLIGHT MEAL: A sickbag.
FLYING WITH MUSCLE MARY’S
Good looking gym bunnies that don’t eat carbs after 6pm (if at all) and their life is the gym and they work out merely for aesthetics. Always looking at themselves in other people’s sunglasses reflections. If they have time to fly outside of going to the gym they would most likely go to Mykonos or a gay Atlantis cruise so they can show their bodies off. They only fly with good looking people, or work for airlines that promote youth and good looks, so Virgin Atlantic would best suit the needs of a Muscle Mary.
VIRGIN ATLANTIC: The only airline to offer a good night service and lick you to sleep.
IN-FLIGHT MEAL: Air
FLYING WITH LESBIANS
They don’t fly, they drive to a camping site PERIOD!
• Pam Ann will be at The Two Brewers (114 Clapham High Street, SW4 7UJ) on Sunday 22nd June and Wednesday 2nd July. Show 8pm. Tickets £15/12.
