#SoberSex

When was the last time you had sex?  This morning? Last night? Perhaps, last week? And when was the last time you had sex… sober? And by sober, I am specifically referring to not being under the influence of drugs.

Next question: how many times have you engaged in sex in the past month, six months, or even the past year in which drugs played a central role?

Speaking of which, how long did said drug-fuelled sex sesh go on for? Six hours? All night? Two days? Longer?

Did you do anything you wouldn’t do if you weren’t ‘under the influence’? Did you engage in unsafe sex, when normally (i.e. sober) you wouldn’t? Has the experience left you feeling less fulfilled than you’d have liked it to?

If the answers to the questions above start to paint a worrying picture of your sex life, then read on. This week, QX speaks to three guys who are bravely making a stand against the trend – and normalisation – of chemsex…


by Cliff Joannou

 

LUKE’S STORY…

Australian born Luke Sippel, 39, is a hair and make-up artist working in film and TV. After contracting Hepatitis C through sex whilst on drugs he decided he needed to redress the way he approached his sex life. He needed to find the balance between a horny sexual encounter that was simultaneously exciting, yet not self-destructive.

“The whole thing started as an idea because I had Hepatitis C from being involved in chemsex, and I was HIV positive as well. I cleared the Hepatitis, but when I was on treatment you have to refrain from all that activity, so I started to do better things for myself, like yoga, meditation and going on retreats and learning massage.”

Removing yourself from the chemsex scene is not easy when so much of the gay ‘dating’ app and internet world is dominated by drug-fuelled sessions. “The defacto setting on apps seems to be that people cruising are on drugs, in particular at the weekend, so people are having to identify themselves as not looking for drugs,” he states. Turn on any of the more popular hook-up apps or websites at the weekend and you will inevitably be swamped with a run of letters indicating what drugs people are on: G, M, K, E, etc.

“A year and a half ago I would have not responded to someone chem-free, because I wanted someone dirtier,” Luke says. Can you still get that ‘dirtier’ experience on chem-free sex? “Yes, and that’s the thing. I know it’s possible now because I am. At the time you think that you can’t, but it’s not the case. You have to switch the way you think.”

Taking a chem-free stance to sex is a bold move. It means having to navigate endless profiles that insist on drugs being part of a hook-up. As such, Luke simply avoids them. But, in the face of his ‘forced’ recovery from drugs due to his Hep C, does he miss chemsex and all the app cruising that comes with it? Not so much, he reflects. “I find that it’s a distraction to keep yourself busy, it’s something for when you’re lonely. It kind of depresses me. When I do it, I feel depressed. But I know how quickly you get addicted to it, so it’s better for me to have it off completely and not even acknowledge it.”

Luke’s situation is what inspired therapist Carolyn Cowan (see page 8) to speak at the Let’s Talk About Gay Sex & Drugs open forum in June to suggest using the hashtag #SoberSex as an instant identifier online and on apps for chem-free sex. The idea of this simple hashtag fed into another concept that Luke was formulating, a website – ThatsHot2.com – that would offer guys seeking chem-free experiences a single destination to go to for advice, support or simply alternative ways of hooking up.

 


ENRIQUE’S STORY… 

At that same event, Enrique Moscoso, 35, got up to speak about his experience. He had moved to London from Madrid after being fired from his job when his sex addiction led to him watching gay porn on the office computers. He was having unsafe sex and taking drugs and as a result contracted HIV. He came to the UK to start over, but instead met a new boyfriend who was also a sex and drug addict. One thing escalated to another and Enrique found himself escorting, on Crystal Meth, and caught in a repetitive pattern of chemsex activity. He eventually made it into rehab, which took seven months to complete, and has been sober since May 2013.

Luke introduced himself to Enrique, and they started working together to promote the ‘That’s Hot 2’ campaign, which would kick-off with some simple slogans on t-shirts: #SOBERSEX; Love Me Chem Free; and I Quit ChemSex.

 


ROY’S STORY…

Around the same time, Luke also met Roy Mayerallas, 29, originally from Hungary, who had been through his own life experiences that had led him to seek out chem-free sex. Roy grew up in a very traditional Hungarian family. His parents always envisioned him one day becoming a priest, like his grandfather. He moved to Paris to get away from his life back home, and when that didn’t work out, he moved back to his hometown and opened a bar. Local dealers would give him free drugs if he pushed customers their way. It was a recipe for disaster for him. Roy lost everything and moved to the UK in February 2011, with an intention to start over, but the prevalence of drugs in London didn’t help. Everything changed for him the day he got hit by a bus and ended up in a coma in hospital. When he came round, doctors told him he was wandering around the street out of it before the incident. He has no recollection of the event that led up to that point.

Roy decided to change his life. He sought out more intimate sexual encounters and purposefully stayed away from chemsex to find them, using instead websites like Massage Exchange for connections. It’s through this that Roy met Luke, who asked him to get involved with the That’s Hot 2 campaign. Together with Enrique they’ve made the brave step of putting their identity to a concept that seeks to challenge the way gay men think about their sex lives.

 


From chemsex to chem-free

Does it feel alienating to switch one’s self off from the chemsex world and all the hook-ups that come with it? Luke says that while drug/sex sessions are quite proliferated, a growing number of people are actively seeking out chem-free sex. “The thing I have noticed is how many people are now ‘looking for chem-free sex’, which we saw a rise in three or four years ago. We’ve reached a point where we are saying we’re a bit sick of it.”

A recent scan of some of the more popular apps like Grindr shows how people are starting to seek out chem-free encounters by stating it clearly in their profile. But they are still very much in the minority, and the profiles that do so tend to stand out from the rest when you log on at any point from Friday night to Monday morning and identify yourself as such. You might get chatting to the hottest guy in the world who is totally interested in you, but if you’re higher than the Empire State Building and he says ‘no chems’ you know it’s just not going to happen.

Luke’s hopeful that the gay community will navigate itself away from a seemingly worsening situation, “We’re still stuck on the issue of chemsex, but at least we’re aware of it. I think people are starting to look for new alternatives.”

Would he ever have chemsex again? “I never say never for anything, because you are limiting yourself or boxing yourself in. But not now. Because of the Hep C I had to give up alcohol and drugs, but right now I would probably say I never would because I am having sober sex and enjoying it, whereas before the idea of doing it was really hard to get your head around. To think, ‘What I’m never going to have chemsex again?’ That’s a big thing to say. It’s twelve hours of hot times, but doing this I’ve opened myself up to different types of people who are also not doing drugs.”

What are the positives of doing so? “It’s easier to connect with someone on drugs but it’s not a real connection. You feel like you’re connecting, but it’s not genuine. You often have sex with somebody you probably wouldn’t have sex with sober, but when you’re high that reasoning goes out the window. When you start to have sex sober, you just have a lot more respect for yourself.”

But there’s no hiding from the fact why chemsex is so popular. It lowers inhibitions, gives you more confidence, switches you off from your insecurities. And, yes, it’s a lot of fun that can carry on for hours, even days. You can lose whole weekends to it. The next thing you know, it’s how you spend most weekends, and the friends you have are all hooked-up from sex parties that you never hear or see from outside of that environment. In that regard, just looking at some of those situations is surely cause for concern. Perhaps, the very thing you crave when hooking up with other men can be stripped away by the numbing effect drugs can have on the connectivity people often look for in sex, casual or otherwise?

“Sex is such a beautiful space to share with somebody, why not do it sober as well?”

“Sometimes you need the drugs to have sex with people.” Regardless of his position on the subject, Luke is realistic about the facts as to why people engage in chemsex. “Is it hot? Often, yes. Is it as fulfilling for you? No. If you’re only ever having chemsex, you’re never going to shift that way of thinking.”

Luke, Roy and Enrique each have different reasons for seeking out chem-free sex. Luke wasn’t addicted to drugs, but his behaviour was putting his health in danger and stepped away from chemsex after his battle to clear his Hep C. Roy identified that chemsex wasn’t giving him the kind of intimate sexual encounters that he was really after. Enrique had to quit chemsex as his drug and sex addictions were slowly destroying him. While you may not be in the same situation in terms of sex and drugs as them, when was the last time you had regular sober sex, not under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

Moral arguments about conforming to societal pressures not to embrace your sexuality should be tempered with the reasoning that there’s nothing wrong with what you do as long as what you do isn’t causing you or anyone else any harm. If you have your life under control, and your sexual activity is not detrimental to your health, work, personal life, friendships and family, then there’s probably nothing wrong with the occasional dalliance with sex and drugs.

But if you crave a more intimate sexual experience yet find yourself only ever having sex when on drugs or drink, you’ll never go beyond having the kind of casual fucks that ultimately leave you a bit empty when the drugs have worn off and you make your way back home after it’s all come to an end.

Luke sums the conversation up in a rather enlightened manner, “Sexuality and spirituality go hand in hand. Find your centre again. There are so many things to explore and connect with. Sex is such a beautiful space to share with somebody, why not do it sober as well?”

 

www.thatshot2.com and www.facebook.com/thatshottwo

Using the hashtag #SoberSex is a smart way of instantly identifying other people looking for chem-free sex. Use it online, get it trending and see what’s out there…

Read Enrique’s full story at qxmagazine.kinsta.cloud/blog-event/enrique-moscoso and Roy’s at qxmagazine.kinsta.cloud/blog-event/roy-mayerallas

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