Hits, Bits & Shits

The final member of Girls Aloud to go solo is The Sun’s favourite ‘Caner of the Year’ Sarah Harding, and, well… You tried it, Saz.

To nobody’s surprise, it’s crap. The track (‘song’ is too generous a term) entitled ‘Threads’ consists of every trend in pop from the last ten years or more, including horrendous abuse of Auto-Tune, some dubstep-lite breakdown, a bizarre chanted “chorus” and Harding’s foghorn voice blaring through all of it like a seal pup getting clubbed to death. Best leave the solo stuff to the singers eh, Sarah? Sign yourself up for another season of Dating in the Dark and be done with it. That or head back to the Rovers Return. I think we can safely say that The Bum Note will remain the best thing you’ve ever done.

Moving on to actually decent songs and la princesa chiquita Selena Gomez has slung out another corker. She’s over Baby Beiber and his disappointing arse (seriously, that kid had one chance to redeem his existence, but that butt looks like a sad child with mumps), gifting us with total-fuck-tune ‘Good For You’. Open all the windows, whip down your knicks and roll around the wetroom with whatever guapo is currently tickling your pickle. Sluts, this is your song of the summer.

Fifth Harmony have taken full advantage of having multiple bi-lingual members by re-recording their latest single ‘Worth It’ in Spanish. Titled ‘Dame Esta Noche’ it’s a nice adaptation. Though the lack of translation for Kid Ink’s rap verse strikes us as lazy, making it seem more like a quick cash-in on the Spanish-speaking market than an actual artistic choice. Next time girls, get the flower of Sabadell, La Pelopony, on the remix. Mi corazón knows how to spit a verse en español. Oh well, at least they didn’t involve Sr. Calvo himself, Pitbull. DALE! No, wait, DON’T.