Do you want to find a London gay fetish club or just want to improve on your bedroom skills? The QX A-Z of XXX is your doorway to spicing up your sex life, whether in the bedroom or somewhere more public .
A
Arse
Where would we be without the arse? Probably masturbating into hot fruit or damp socks.
Apps
Where you find a dealer when none of your numbers are working. Also a good place to meet men for dates/sex/arguments.
Aromas
AKA ‘room odorizer’. Because everyone loves the heady fumes of isopropyl nitrite wafting around a room. Invigorating your senses, loosening your arsehole and giving you the world’s most evil headache if you leave them open all night. Also avoid contact with your upper lip, unless you consider “Impetigo Infectee” a look2try.
Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Sounds like being strangled by a Skoda, but you’re actually just choking yourself, so no worries about signing up to StreetCar. With a high potential for, uh, death, it’s possibly one to try with a chaperone (or medic) standing by.
B
Backstreet
Both the most important boy band of the late 90’s and the name of London’s salacious cruise club, home to some of the most scintillating fetish nights south of the river. Sadly the gay fetish club is nolonger a venue.
Buttplug
Anal toy designed to strengthen the sphincter whilst increasing your anal cavity’s capacity. Handy to have in your handbag in case of emergency, i.e. a long bus ride after too many burritos. PLUG IT UP!
Blue Door Dungeon
If you’re truly committed to making your fantasy a reality, then Blue Door Dungeon in Islington should be your first port of call. There’s a medical room, a puppy play area, wrestling room and even a fuck machine. All available for hire by the hour. Plus, most importantly, complimentary wi-fi.
Bussy
Portmanteau of the words “boy” & “pussy” and your new vocabulary word for the day. See also “munt”. I’m sure you can use your imagination with this one.
C
Cam 4
Broke? Exhibitionist? Well girl, you’re in luck, because horny bastards the globe over are probably willing to see you tug at your turkey or get railed by your randy Romanian roommate for cold hard cash on Cam 4!
Clone Zone
Not a Star Wars cosplay convention but a one-stop spot to shop for all your sexual needs. Cock socks, corporal punishment devices and cute calendars all under one roof!
Club CP
Paddle-punishment party for boys who’ve been very, very bad. Your buttocks will be redder than Rudolph’s nose after a night at this gay fetish club, though we don’t recommend using your arse as a satellite navigation system afterward.
Collared
Are you a freak on a leash? Pop down to the infamous Underground gay fetish club and you’ll find men more than happy to housebreak you and let you hump their leg.
Come to Daddy
Calling all bears, daddies, big boys, chubs and chasers! Come To Daddy is a weekly Thursday nighter at the Underground Club. Cruise, booze and dance for your papi with classic 70s and 80s dance, pop and NRG with contemporary booty shakers thrown into the mix!
Condoms
A little latex sock for your cock and your first line of defence against most sexually transmitted infections. Hilarious when you’re 11, a necessity when you’re taking home strangers in adulthood.
Crackstuffers
If your bussy is feeling a little barren, Crackstuffers have all kinds of foreign bodies available to fill it, from the fun to the frightening.
Cruising
Cheerful 70’s film featuring Al Pacino becoming a leather daddy and solving crimes. Also a fun early-hours activity for public toilets and Hampstead Heath alike. B.Y.O. willies. Sorry. WELLIES.
D
Daddy
The sexiest word in the English language, bar none. We love you, daddy.
Dirty Heels
Alexandra Burke’s forthcoming grime follow-up to her 2012 magnum opus ‘Broken Heels’. Also a unique club night for non-drag inclined guys who still like to slip into a pair of stilettos and squirt.
Dogging
Like cruising but usually done in dirty Corsas by homely heterosexuals inhabiting the UK’s more rural areas.
Docking
Obscure sexual practice that involves inserting the head of the penis under your partner’s foreskin. Probably not one that’ll be on the agenda for kosher couples.
E
Electrastim
If you just can’t keep your fingers out the sockets, indulge your electrical impulses and blow your damn fuse with Electrastim’s enormous array or products, perfect for the advanced electrohead.
Ejaculation
Why most of us are bothering with any of this hullabaloo, really.
Expectations
Great Eastern Street’s home of harnesses and hard-ons, Expectations won’t disappoint with their enormous array of, well, EVERYTHING you could hope for in the bedroom, the darkroom or the dungeon.
Extreme Needle
Want your peen pierced? Extreme Needle can hook you up with all manner of genital jewellery, as well as some pretty sweet tattoo art too!
F
Feet
If playing with someone’s little piggies makes you pop a woody, you’re probably into feet. Don’t worry, you’re in good company, Quentin Tarantino loves to rub his Reservoir Dog over a set of trotters too! If you’re so inclined, Underground Club host a regular Feet on Friday event as well.
Fetish Freak
You’ll FREAK out (groan) when you see the selection of accessories and outfits that these guys have in store for you. Seriously though. If you’re into fetish, you’ll find what you need here.
Fingerbang
A digital (meaning hands, not HDTV) delight most of us have experienced on a dance-floor, or in a club bathroom, or at a petrol station.
Fisting
The fingerbang’s bigger, more invasive brother. Load up on Crisco and take a few Lamaze classes before attempting this one. Over the knuckle or it doesn’t count, boys!
Folsom Europe Clubs
They’ve come a long way from the San Francisco street fair that started it all, now hosting gay fetish club parties all over Europe and bringing a little California cruising to your backyard.
Freedom Shop
If stuffing handfuls of condoms from the jar on the bar into your pockets is starting to seem a bit sad, head over to Freedom Shop! Safe sex doesn’t need to break the bank.
G
Gag
Karmic punishment that usually occurs after drunkenly proclaiming you can swallow donkey dick whilst on a date. Also a cute S&M accessory.
Gerontophillia
When the geriatric set make you jizz. Come to (grand)daddy.
GUM Clinic
A great place to score free prophylactics, alongside a clean bill of health. Visit at least twice a year. Know your status. Relax.
Glory hole
If you’re not fussed on faces and don’t care who owns the dick you’re playing with, this is the perfect setup for you. There might still be some in public toilets across the city, but take care before you peek. You’ll be looking at a fairly embarrassing trip to the opticians otherwise.
H
Hard On
Fetish lovers unite for this monthly meeting of minds, mouths and meat! Strict dress code apllies though, so fix up, look sharp and have fun!
The Hoist
Deep in the dark depths of Vauxhall once there lay the Hoist, home of Unkut Kurt and his brigade of big, bad boys in boots and not much else. Like leather? Rubber? Super strict dress codes? Sadly no more.
I
Into Latex
Are you? If so, you’d do well to give these guys a look. They’ve got everything from footy socks to a full-on ‘Oops I Did It Again’ outfit. Just remember; talcum powder is a latex lover’s best friend.
J
Jizz
Spunk. Spooge. Joy juice. Beverage of choice for cumguzzlers everywhere. Best served hot. Can also be frozen into cubes and kept in the crisper for special seminal occasions. So we’ve heard.
Jockstrap
Athletic undergarment that should not be attempted by anyone with less than a C-cup culo. Please also remember to wipe thoroughly.
K
Kidnap
The ultimate dirty weekend away. Bespoke bodysnatching can now be arranged online for those hoping to indulge their fantasies, following a few too many tequila-fuelled viewings of ‘Taken’.
L
Libidex
Latex lover’s haven, catering for both boys and girls. So perfect when your drag diva alter ego needs a new wet-look leotard.
Lube
If you plan to put anything in your pum-pum, we’d advise stocking up on this, lest you leave your starfish looking like Seafood Surprise sandwich spread.
M
MA1 Club Bunker Bar
Bunker Bar is home to many of London’s gay fetish club nights.
Masturbation
The hand shandy. The knuckle shuffle. The visit from Mr Palmer and his five filthy friends. A good, hard fap is the perfect way to spent an afternoon, a train ride or a tea break.
Medical
If you’ve always dreamed of your GP handing you a prescription for hot, hard dick and taking your rectal temperature in a more slightly more personal manner.
MEO online store
With inventory that includes Zipper Mouth Muzzles, speculums, “Ass Locks” and Cock Extenders you’re sure to find something in time for Father’s Day at German-based MEO. Explore your Meosexuality!
N
Naked
Nudists, naturists and all clothing-averse individuals. Also the name of mid-90s TUNE by Louise Redknapp, née Nurding.
O
Oral
Sex with your gob. Three words: Watch. Your. Teeth.
Orgy
Sex with the whole class. Highly appealing in porn, logistical nightmare in person. Usually culminates in several bored people checking their phones in the kitchen while the hottest three have at it.
P
Piss-pig
An individual who watches someone take a slash while yearning to take a swig. There’s a “whatever urine to” joke to be made here….just give us a minute.
Prowler
Whether you want Aussiebum briefs or Aussie Butt Bashers on DVD whilst you’re skipping through Soho, Prowler can sort you out.
Q
Quickie
A fun way to spice up a boring wedding or garden party. Exercise caution though, statistics we made up say that 95% of penis fractures are quickie-related.
R
Recon
Fetish networking site with over 40,000 members and the hosts of Fetish Week London which presnts a number of gay fetish club nights and events! Plus, an online store with all manner of accoutrements too for your playtime with your new pals.
Regulation London
Gas masks, ballgags, boots, blindfolds and even anal electrodes, Regulation offer a staggering selection of implements to help you take control, Miss Jackson.
Rimming
To quote a pal; “A kiss on the arse may be quite continental, but hygiene is a gay’s best friend”
S
Sauna
Sort of like a day spa, but with a different kind of facial available. Also delightful place to while away the hours between lights on and first train home.
Safety Word
Your opt-out phrase during rougher play. It’s best to use something totally nonsexual, like “fiscal responsibility” or “Nigel Farage”.
SkyHi
The SkyHi boys’ selection of synthetic schlongs will have you shooting skyward! How far will you stretch?
Smoking
A fit fella smoking can be extremely sexy, but if you plan on inserting that cigarillo into your slit, you might want to let it dry out in the airing cupboard after, before you spark up.
SM Gays
If you wanna be trussed up like a turkey on a Christmas table, SM Gays can provide info on everything from ‘erotic abrasion’ to mummification.
Steelwurx
The masters of metal, supplying you with sling frames, suspension devices, clothing and cages. Perfect for those who need to crate their pups at night.
T
Ted’s Place
Super social bar in Fulham, run by the fab & friendly Ted. T-girl night is on Thursday, as well as sportswear and cruising events the rest of the week.
Top
Near-extinct breed of gay man. Impersonators can be found everywhere, but the real deal is like gold dust.
U
UKRed
Are you the King of the Slingers? UKRed will make sure you have a fitting setup.
V
Vault 139
Lock yourself in the Vault 139! With twelve hours of cruising, seven days a week, you’re bound to find a willing cellmate. Plus, you even get a free drink!
Vagina
Straight and bi guys seem pretty enthusiastic about this one. Different strokes, different folks…
Walk of Shame
The free spirit’s favourite form of morning exercise. Standard attire includes some form of mesh top, a baggie stuck to your booty shorts and a bewildered expression as you try to ascertain where the nearest Overground station is.
X
XXX
Need a little pocket money? Don’t mind getting pork-poled on camera? Add this to your username on OnlyFans and the porn studios will come a-callin’! (Success may vary…probably dependent on penis size)
Y
Yellow
Another watersports/piss play term, although if yours is coming out a shade of amber, you may need to break out the Brita filter ASAP.
Z
Zaftig
Meaning “pleasingly plump” and often used to describe a sexually enviable figure (bubblebutt boys take note).
