We’ve compiled a list of the best peripheral characters in Sex & The City. Because we had nothing better to do, mostly. And because we’ve watched every episode at least twenty times over. Usually whilst hungover or on a comedown, in last night’s clothes, crying into a pizza while Carrie prattles on about no-one coming to her birthday, or screams at squirrels on windowsills.
By the way, this is for hardcore SATC fans. If you’ve only seen a few episodes at a mate’s house and sat through the second movie being bored, and vaguely offended, but mostly bored, then STOP READING NOW.
This is for people who know EVERY. SINGLE. LINE of EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE. People who’d be able to name the make of Carrie’s handbag in episode 5 of season 6 (a grey Fendi fringed purse, SS02 collection).
People who’d be able to name Samantha’s love interest’s servant in episode 10 of season 2. She’s called Sum and in fact, we’ve included her in this! So here we go!
Bunny
“UP AND AT ‘EM JOHN MCFADDEN! IT’S DAYTIME IN THE SWAMP!”
Purveyor of dust ruffles, floral curtains and, erm, fiberglass mallards (“THE MALLARD LIVES IN THE DRAWING ROOM!”) Bunny was everyone’s nightmare mother-in-law.
She tried to do lavender-scented shits all over Charlotte’s perfect little world, by being overbearing with her interior decorating, controlling Trey’s meal choices by putting a hand on his arm (SHE FORCED HIM TO CHOOSE TOMATO AND BASIL SALAD), and just generally being a stuffy old cow.
Charlotte scared her off in the end though, by purposefully ensuring Bunny walked in on her and Trey having sex. Quite an edgy move for Charlotte. “I’ve brought some m-m-m-muffins!”
Another good Bunny line was when she was being rushed by Charlotte and said “Don’t you hustle me! This is Chanel!” She also nearly smoked a cigarette the wrong way round whilst pissed at the MacDougall summer home in the Hamptons.
Mrs Adams
Ok, so remember when Carrie was dating that comic book boy Wade, who was actually pretty hot in like an all-American way. Like, we would. With Wade. And they rode around on scooters and then it turned out he lived with his mum and she was really sweet and brought Carrie cookies. “YES PLEASE MRS ADAMS!”
But then things turned sour when they got high on the balcony and Mrs Adams caught them. “Wade…is that marijuana I smell?” He blamed it on Carrie and then Carrie left with it. “Yes…I brought marijuana into the house. And I’m takin’ it with me when I go!”
Sum
The aforementioned Sum was the servant of one of Samantha’s many and varied male suitors. Sweet and mild-mannered at first appearances, she turned into a right diva as soon as her master was out of sight, and it transpired that she – quite rightly – saw Samantha as a threat. The best was when she kicked her out of bed. “UP LAZYBONES, I GOTTA LOTTA WORK TO DO!” And Samantha screeched and pulled her satin gown around herself. We’ve all been there. Then she upped the ante a bit by threatening to kill her. “I’LL KILL YOU!” She wasn’t too dim, that Sum. And she certainly didn’t have time for “BREAKFAST?!!”
Woman with ice cream
“This woman’s two great loves were a man named Mortie, and lithium-laced ice cream.” Yes! You know who we mean! That mad old bitch Carrie bumps into in an ice cream parlour. In true Carrie style, it makes her all depressed because she thinks she’ll end up like her one day. So what Carrie?! She’s happy! She’s got lithium-laced ice cream! Don’t judge! “I LOVE THIS!” She does get a bit scary when she tells Carrie “I used to be like you! Thought I’d find somebody bettah….NEVAH. HAPPENED.” Bleak.
Lynne
Lynne was a character in The Real Me, one of the best Sex & The City episodes ever. It’s when Carrie falls on the runway (“STOP FUCKIN’ TAKING MY PICTURE!”). And Lynne played by one of our absolute fave people Margaret Cho, yells “FUCK. ME. HARD.” Anyway yeah, so that’s Lynne. She also refers to Carrie as “fuckette” which is absolutely sensational.
Geri Halliwell (aka Phoebe Someejrhbgdjhagnksgm)
Are you feeling RUH-FRESSHHHED? Geri Halliwell’s twenty second cameo in Sex & The City is possibly the worst acting anyone’s ever done. Her face looks like an overripe tangerine with Tourette’s and she can barely get the words out properly. And when she does, she sort of screeches them. We’ve watched the clip 50,000 times (usually at after parties) and know every word off by heart: “SAMANTHA JONES! HOW AAARRRE YOU! We’ve just dropped by the Soho House for a DIP. What else is there to do in this heat? Except sit by the pool, while they mist you with Evian. Isn’t it the BEST?” And the Oscar goes to…
Amalita
Eurotrash Amilita! Love! Her look was supposed to be tacky and shit on the show, but it’s actually very in right now in 2016. Go Amalita! Our fave quote from her was “His family has a GIGANTIC ranch in Argentina, but he has a TINNNYY little penis. But he knows exactly how to use it.” Actually, looking back on it, the script for Sex & The City really was a fucking mess wasn’t it. What were they thinking?! Ridiculous. Love it.
Susan Sharon
Carrie’s desperate friend who tries to divorce her verbally abusive husband, but sadly no other man can fucking stand her. So they give her Charlotte’s horrible puppy and apparently that fixes the marriage, as Susan’s dreadful husband has someone else to shout at. Why on earth she decided to reunite with someone who, quote, “felt a wave of disappointment during our wedding, because I looked so generic” is beyond us. She pops up again like a bad penny in season four to screech about MAAAAAHREEEEEEDGE and generally show Carrie for the terrible fiancé to Aiden that she is. Which is fine by us.
Lexi Feathersto
This is probably one of the most shocking moments of the series. That’s mainly because it’s a scary vision of our sad little futures. Lexi was the last girl standing at every party. She was big, buxom and brassy. She was played by “Third Rock from the Sun” alum Kristen Johnston, who seems as mad as a box of frogs in almost any role. Lexi is still partying when everyone is “pairing off”. She’s doing coke in the loo when it’s not cool anymore. She tells Carrie to fuck herself when she declines a line. She is everyone you’ve ever met at a chillout and decided was your new best mate. Sadly, like those chillouts, all things must end. Lexi tells a room full of people “I’m so bored I could fucking die” and promptly falls arse-over-tit out of a 13th floor window. SPLAT!
Helena Rubinstein
Now we’re not sure if this woman actually IS Helena Rubenstein or just the duty manager. But she’s fucking fab. She tells Samantha to SLING ‘ER ‘OOK after Jonesy tries to get a suck job off one of the masseurs at a spa. Except she does it in a VERY classy way, demanding to know “WHAT KIND OF A PERSON” would “molest a trained professional?” Albeit, a trained professional that’s actually eating out most of his other clients, but that’s neither here nor there for ol’ Ruby. She banishes Sam from the spa with the immortal words “Helena Rubenstein is a civilized place….for CIVILIZED people”. Just like QX really.
Mary Brady aka Steve’s Mum
Steve’s mother was a bit of an inspiration until she lost her marbles. She brought her own beer to any family event and actually managed to force Miranda into a christening she didn’t want. And if we learned anything from Miranda screeching “I DON’T WANNA DO THAT!” at a date’s hungry sphincter, it’s that very few people can coerce Miss Hobbes into doing something she’s not up for. But then Mary Brady had a stroke and it was all very sad because she couldn’t remember who anyone was and her flat stank like shit. She made a mad dash for the streets of Brooklyn and was discovered dumpster dining out of a dirty bin. Thankfully she still had her sense of taste, declaring “THIS PIZZA TASTES LIKE GARBAGE!”. You’re not wrong Mary. You’re not wrong.
Destiny the Transvestite Hooker
What else can you say besides “TAKE THAT DICK OUTTA MY ASS OR I AM GONNA SHIT. ON. IT.”? Like, really. What else can you actually say?
• Gay journalism at it’s finest, eh?
Look out for part two coming soon. Magda! Those Jersey girls that threatened Samantha! Whoever else we can dredge up from our memories and/or DVD box sets! Yay!
