Dom Pop!

Fergie’s back. And when we say she’s back, we mean properly back. None of that “LA (la la la la Love)”-whatever bullshit they ended up using on that Kardashian’s spinoff. I’m talking “London Bridge”/”Fergalicious” back. Absolute, unbridled INSANITY. The song is called “M.I.L.F.$” and it’s like listening to the musical equivalent of an asthma attack, like having an epileptic fit inside a Beatz Pill & like listening to a synthesizer and a vocoder fucking on crystal meth. But you won’t even care.

As with the “Fergalicious” video, Stacey Ferguson is selling edibles again. She’s gone from candy to dairy now, as she welcomes you to the “Dairy Dutchess’ Love Factory”. Said factory seems to house numerous supermodels, shirtless muscular masseurs, FergieFerg herself and (sigh) Kum Kardassian in a white wig. There’s also a diner, where everyone’s got neon weaves, a classroom full of hot high school boys looking to deliver a bukkake session to a black-haired schoolmarm Ferg and a Wisteria-Lane-esque neighbourhood that’s serviced by Jon Kortajarena in a milkman’s outfit.

It’s FUCKING. MAD. Fergie looks like a beautiful sexbot for most of it, which seems about right, considering most of her parts are synthetic by now. Ciara’s there too; body popping and being gorgeous. Devon Aoki’s wearing a bizarre hat and getting her baby out of a car. There’s women pole dancing in giant milkshakes, Fergie bathing in milk, Fergie pouring more milk over herself whilst wearing a latex MILF leotard… it’s basically the music video you have always wanted to make. DAME MÁS LECHE, PAPI.

The video even ends with Basque guapo Jon Kortajarena with his beautiful head in her lap, about to start nursing off FF’s juicy teats. Attagirl Stacey, as if we ever needed anymore proof that she’s basically a gay man, now we have her filling a hot Spaniard’s mouth full of her milk. We fucking love it.