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The battle of the century!

Right, you’ve just sat down at a café, ordered your non-drip soy macchiato with extra foam, and it’s cheat day so you’ve treated yourself to a brownie which you’re now poking and prodding with your little fork, wondering if it’ll be worth the calories.

All of a sudden, at the table behind you, you hear two homosexuals in a heated discussion – it’s some celebrity hot-button issue – but you can’t quite figure out how old they are. It’s some breaking scandal about KYLIE!

But we have one question for you: WHICH KYLIE CAME TO MIND?!

If you’re thinking “there’s only one Kylie and that’s princess of pop Kylie Minogue!”, then we can safely presume that you’re not part of that 24 and under group to whom ‘Kylie’ can only mean the ‘self-made’, round-bottomed pouty billionaire Kylie Jenner. We can hear you guffawing your coffee back into its cup at the very notion of the Kardashian spawn surpassing such a pop icon in the public zeitgeist. But we have to remind you that this is the year the US President’s penis was publicly announced to be covered in yak-fur and having a likeness to a Nintendo character, and Barbra Streisand cloned her dead dog.

This tension reached a boiling point back in the 2015 when little Miss Jenner took it upon herself to proclaim herself as the one and only mononymous Kylie, and was deserving of the trademark. The gays weren’t having ANY of it. Twitter was alight with outrage, in a sentiment that can only be summed up as being ‘sit down little girl, have several seats’. Jenner’s claim to the trademark was shot down after Minogue’s KDB Pty LTD put in an opposition a year later, with gays the world over smirking to their little success. But was that a long-lasting success? A legal technicality would not stop the tide of tweens who can think of nothing but lip-gloss and a big bum when they hear whispers of the world Kylie.

It is clear that now, in 2018, in an ever-divided society, that this divide is one we can no longer ignore. This year has seen Minogue make a comeback with her album Golden reaching No.1 in the UK and she’s rumoured to be storming the stage at Glastonbury next year. We just can’t get her out of our heads. This was also the year that Jenner popped out a baby and set social media alight by eating her morning cereal with milk. Yes, really. Countless articles were written and millions of tweets were sent out when Jenner ate her morning cereal with MILK Kylie Jenner might not be the Kylie we want, but she’s the one we deserve in the Trump post-Brexit dystopia that we’re forced to admit being our reality.

So who are the Kylie Jenner Gays? And how do they differ from those Minogue gays? We’re here to break it down for you.

The Typical Kylie Jenner Gay:

• Instagram is their guiding force in life. Religion is so last century.

• The eyebrows are plucked and filled in thicker than Tom Selleck’s moustache.

• They can speak only in Drag Race Quotes. YAAS MAMMA.

• Often found in a crowd of skinny white women on Old Compton Street.

• They haven’t looked at a TV since they left the North to come study Media at London Met.

• A vodka energy and usually get them into an Uber home with you.

• Shares Memes about their sugar daddy’s funeral on Social media.

• “Judy Garland, is that a new Lush bath bomb?”


The Typical Kylie Minogue Gay:

• Tattoos from shoulder to wrist, and there’s some cursive somewhere under that t-shirt.

• Fish and chips is a weekly staple – always with gravy.

• Saturday nights are either spent at the RVT, or it’s Strictly followed by X Factor.

• “Madonna’s the Queen, and Kylie’s the Princess”

• Owns at least one t-shirt by Philip Normal

• The death of Princess Diana was the single most impactful news story they’ve ever witnessed.

• Can’t have a summer without a long weekend in Gran Canaria.


Despite how intergenerational we as a gay community are, we have to face the fact that there will always be these hot-potato points of contention. Weather you’re taken aback when E to him is a celebrity news platform and not the key to a good night out, or you’re ready to break his neck upon hearing he was born in the year 2000, you’ll always have SOMETHING in common… eventually.

by Ifan Llewelyn


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