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Paul Foot is a gay comedian. Well, he’s not a gay comedian, he’s a comedian who happens to be gay. He doesn’t spend his time streaming Carly Rae Jepsen or drinking Porn Star Martinis. But he does have other pastimes.

Such as, going to obscure rural B&B’s, ordering a full English breakfast and then tormenting the landlady by just sitting there and not touching it. No explanation. Just steaming beans and slowly cooling sausages.

Paul’s done all sorts. He’s mates with Noel Fielding. He was on Never Mind The Buzzcocks with Tinie Tempah (and called him Tinie Tantrum). He’s slagged off Katie Hopkins TO HER FACE. He’s taken a selfie with a lionfish. We could go on, but we’d be here all day, and we’ve got blog posts about drag queens to write.

Paul has various unconventional beliefs, one of which being that the living room should be called the dying room, because people always die in living rooms. Another is that straight men turn gay after two Malibu and cokes. Another is that there are ten levels of homophobia. Level 1 being rather violent and extreme, level 10 being pretty mild. We think they make total sense. Paul’s laid them out for us below, see what you think.

Level 1: Punching someone just because they’re not homophobic.
The highest level. Fairly top-notch homophobia.

Level 2: Punching a gay.
Many homophobes think this is the top level of homophobia. It actually isn’t, it’s Level 2 (see above). But they’re too stupid to realise.

Level 3: Forcing your gay son to play football.
It may give him a fatal lifelong sock fetish.

Level 4: Refusing to have experimental gay sex.
Many refuse on the feeble grounds that it interests them in no way whatsoever. This is, in fact, a level of homophobia.

Level 5: Not asking a gay colleague about his weekend plans in case his answer ruins your lunch.
Some people think he might have been to a sauna, when actually he’s just been to Sainsburys.

Level 6: Being asked if you’re gay and saying “No” because you’re not, but looking slightly pleased about it.
A subtle level, but a level all the same.

Level 7: Not clicking on a gay rights news story.
Even though it directly affects the gay child that you have not yet had.

Level 8: Flirting with a gay man to show how liberal and down-with-the-gays you are but then refusing to get to work on his penis.
In short, wasting a gay’s time when they could be doing better things, like putting up Madonna posters.

Level 9: Homophobes may as well just drop the act and be more homophobic.
See if WE care.

Level 10: Every now and then you have a penis and think “Oh no. Not this again”.
It can get too much.

To find Paul Foot’s latest show info and tickets go to www.paulfoot.tv

 

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