You know the game…
Wait three hours before replying to a text so you don’t seem desperate. Don’t show too much interest or you’ll scare them off. Keep your vulnerabilities hidden until you’ve ‘secured’ them. Play it cool. Make them chase you.
You know what all that strategic bullshit gets us? Exhausted, disconnected, anxious, depressed and unfulfilled.
I’ve started treating the men I date as if they’re friends whose time and feelings matter as much as mine.
I’ve started treating men I date and sleep with like I want to be treated myself.
It turns out that kindness might just be the kinkiest thing you can bring to your dating and sex life. It certainly turns me on!
And you can show this side of your personality on your dating profiles even before you start chatting:
[Download Free E-Guide ‘Stop The Scroll: Create a Magnetic Dating Bio That Attracts The Right Men — the 3311 formula to create a stand-out dating profile that makes men message]
Showing Up Honestly
Here’s my approach: from the very first interaction, I show up as if this person is already a friend I care about. A human being deserving of kindness, clarity and respect. This attitude is a game-changer.
This means I reply when I feel like it, not when the ‘rules’ say I should. If I’m excited about our conversation, I respond quickly and enthusiastically. If I’m genuinely busy, I let them know I’ve seen their message and that I’ll respond later (that takes about 3.7 seconds by the way — nobody is that busy!) If I want to see them again, I tell them directly instead of feigning disinterest.
“I had such a great time tonight. I’d love to do this again if you want to”
I’ve now developed a kink for saying exactly what I mean and what I’m feeling.
The mind games we play in dating are preventing genuine connection and wasting time. That purposeful 3-hour text delay isn’t making you more attractive. In fact, it can create unnecessary anxiety for both of you.
Is that what you want, really? For you or for them?
The strategy of ‘making them miss you’ just creates distance where closeness could be growing.
We’re all too old for this. Life is too short. Connection is too precious.
If someone interprets your honest interest as desperation, they’re not your person.
If they need you to play hard to get to stay engaged, they’re not ready for real intimacy.
Let them go. Make space for someone who appreciates your directness and honesty. It’s the best feeling in the world. It really is.
I’ve recently experienced it myself with a new guy, and it’s truly magical. I don’t know where it will go, but my nervous system feels so safe and centred in this zone of open, honest communication.
We’re not afraid to let the other know how sexy and lovely we find the other. We’re not afraid to say “I can’t wait to see you again” or send another message 10 minutes later because we just had another thought, or something else another 10 minutes later. I love the freedom to just be ourselves.
When you find someone you can be like this with, it’s a game-changer. But you know what? You probably need to lead the way!
Personally, I’m okay with always being the one who leads the way on this. I model how I want the other person to show up, and if they match me, I’m interested; if not, then I can say “not a match”.
I actually really enjoy being this way. I sort of get a thrill from it. It separates out the good ones from the ‘not so good for me’ ones very fast. And I don’t ever feel rejected anymore. My new mantra is “you can’t do it wrong with the right person”.
(Actually, it’s my cockney mum’s mantra that she taught me years ago after my first break-up).
Just as I teach in my free online dating e-guide, I’m up front during the first throes of dating about what I’m looking for, my expectations, needs and desires. I might say something like “hey, just wanted to give you a little insight about me… I’m someone that really values connection, consistency, communication and follow through. What’s your take on that?” for example. And then we might talk about exactly what that means and looks like.
And if someone isn’t even up for that convo, then I know I should probably move on. I keep it light, but for me, it’s essential to know sooner rather than later.
You gotta get brave and bold. You might even inspire others to start being clearer, more honest, and more upfront, too.
The Art of the Kind Rejection
And now, let’s talk about ghosting. We’ve all done it. We’ve all had it done to us. And it’s time we collectively agree to stop.
I get it, rejection is uncomfortable. Nobody wants to go through it. Delivering it feels cruel. Receiving it stings. It’s so much easier to just disappear. To let the conversation trail off or suddenly become ‘really busy’ forever…
But here’s what we’re really doing when we ghost: we’re prioritising our momentary comfort over another person’s dignity. We’re treating someone as disposable rather than worthy of basic respect.
And in a community where so many of us carry deep wounds around rejection and abandonment, ghosting isn’t only rude, it’s actively harmful.
So, I’ve committed to what I now call ‘a kind goodbye’. It’s simple, honest and surprisingly easy once you get over the initial discomfort:
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not feeling the spark I’m looking for. I wanted to tell you directly rather than just fading out. I wish you all the best”
That’s it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation beyond that. You don’t need to list their flaws or justify your feelings. But you do owe them an acknowledgement. Closure. The basic human courtesy of being told the truth.
Yes, some people might respond poorly. That’s their process to navigate. But most people will actually appreciate your honesty, even if they’re disappointed. Because clarity, even when it’s not what we want to hear, is always better than being left in limbo.
And here’s the beautiful thing: when you practice the ‘kind goodbye’, you also become better at receiving it. You learn that someone not wanting to date you doesn’t diminish your worth. It’s just information, mismatched preferences and nothing personal.
The Vulnerability Revolution
Now here is the real game-changer: open, honest communication about your desires, insecurities and vulnerabilities.
This is where kindness becomes truly radical. Because in a culture that rewards performance and punishes authenticity, choosing to be real is an act of rebellion in gay culture. We practice this vulnerability at Pleasure Medicine, my twice-monthly connection workshop and ecstatic for gay men in London.
Here’s a simple example from my own dating life. I’m seeing a new guy and we really like each other. The connection is powerful, electric, magnetic. It’s intense and beautiful, physically hot but also intellectually stimulating. We like each other’s minds and hearts as well as each other’s bodies.
This kind of intensity can bring up a lot of shit to the surface. One has to be careful of the perfume of brain chemistry that can cause limerence. That feeling of not being able to stop thinking about someone. Your attachment style can be triggered. And you can start projecting in the future a bunch of nonsense that has no bearing on reality.
Anyway, so me and this guy are texting, talking and chatting, and I bring up the topic of attachment styles, and I tell him, “Okay, so I can be prone to a bit of the old anxious attachment style, which means I can need a bit more reassurance sometimes if things get intense”.
And he goes, “Oh wow, me too, thank you for sharing that”.
And we agreed that if anything tricky, crunchy, or challenging comes up in our dynamic, we are both in a safe space to bring it up and ask for reassurance.
WOW! What?! Telling someone that you need reassurance can actually bring you closer to someone? Being vulnerable and sharing a bit of your insecurity can make someone like you more?
YES!!! Remember, you can’t do it wrong with the right person.
Another time I got my hair cut. It was much shorter than I’ve had it in years. And I immediately panicked. I looked so different. What if the guy I was seeing didn’t find me attractive anymore? These are the kind of thoughts that plague an anxiously attached person! Thankfully, I’ve learned how to deal with it.
I could have hidden that fear. Pretended everything was fine. Fished for compliments indirectly. Waited anxiously to see his reaction.
Instead, I just said: “I’m nervous you won’t fancy me anymore with my haircut”
BOOM! Just put it right out there. Bring the darkness of fear into the light.
The fear immediately lost its power over me. The moment I named it, I could breathe easier.
Second, he knew to be kind. Knowing my worry, he made extra effort to reassure me, to tell me how attractive he found me, to notice and appreciate the change. He thought I looked super hot, and he made sure I knew it.
Win-win, right? And this was an interaction that probably lasted about 6.4 seconds. It wasn’t a big deal or a deep conversation. But these micro-moments and how we respond really matter.
But here’s the crucial part: it would have been okay if he didn’t like it too. If his response had been less enthusiastic, I would have dealt with that. The vulnerability wasn’t about manipulating a particular response. It was about being honest about what I was feeling and creating space for authentic connection.
When you voice your insecurities, you rob them of their power. You also give the other person crucial information about how to treat you with care. And you model the kind of openness that allows real intimacy to develop.
I once told a guy on a first date how insecure I was about my body. His response was “oh god, me too, isn’t it ridiculous what us gays are like about our bodies!?” and we carried on into a deep conversation about it all, then went back to mine and had great sex!
The Gift of Trust
This kind of vulnerable communication only works in a container of mutual kindness. When both people commit to holding space for each other’s tender places. When you treat someone’s insecurities as gifts of trust rather than weaknesses to exploit.
This means:
- Responding to vulnerability with gentleness and openness
- Appreciating how difficult it is when someone shares something challenging
- Making space for imperfection in yourself and others
- Recognising that we’re all carrying wounds and insecurities
- Choosing curiosity over judgment when someone shares something you don’t understand
When I told my date about my haircut anxiety, he could have rolled his eyes and said, “Stop fishing for compliments”. He could have told me I was being silly and filed it away as insecure and needy.
Instead, he met my vulnerability with kindness. And that kindness brought us a little closer. It deepened the intimacy between us and created safety for both of us to be more real.
That’s what kindness does in dating. It creates the conditions for genuine connection.
The Ripple Effect
Here’s what I’ve noticed since committing to the kindness kink as my dating practice: I’m meeting very different kinds of men. Or is it the same men are showing up differently?
When you lead with authenticity and kindness, you give others permission to do the same. When you’re direct about your interest, they can be too. And when you’re vulnerable about your fears, they feel safer sharing theirs.
You become a safe person. Someone people can be real with. Someone who makes dating feel less like a battle and more like a collaborative exploration.
And crucially, you filter the right people. The ones who appreciate directness, kindness and who are ready for real intimacy.
The game-players, the emotionally unavailable, the ones who need drama and chase, lose interest quickly when you’re genuinely kind.
What Kindness Looks Like in Practice
Instead of: Playing hard to get
Try: “I really enjoyed our date. I’d love to see you again”
Instead of: Ghosting when you’re not interested
Try: “Thanks for meeting me. I’m not feeling the spark, but I wanted to let you know rather than just disappearing”
Instead of: Hiding your anxieties and insecurities
Try: “I’m feeling nervous about ___________. Just wanted to name it”
Instead of: Testing them with mind games
Try: “I’m someone who values regular communication, connection, consistency, and follow through. Is that something you’re comfortable with?”
Instead of: Assuming the worst about their behaviour
Try: “When you didn’t text me back yesterday, it didn’t feel great. Can you help me understand what happened?”
The Ultimate Kink
In a dating culture built on hiding who you really are, a scarcity mindset and emotional unavailability, choosing kindness is genuinely the most subversive thing you can do. It’s edgy. It’s brave. And it’s a beautiful thing to be.
Because kindness requires courage. It means risking rejection while being your authentic self and showing up honestly, even when you’re scared.
It’s this radical self-possession that builds lasting, meaningful connections.
It’s really about being the gay you want to see in the world!
So yes, kindness is my new kink.
Being treated with respect and care? Incredibly hot.
Treating others the same way? Even hotter.
Building relationships based on mutual appreciation rather than strategic manipulation? What a turn on!
Try it. Show up honestly. Communicate clearly. Be kind even when it’s uncomfortable. Treat people like the complex, worthy human beings they are.
You might be surprised how kinky you find it.
Love Gary x
More about Gary Albert
Gary is a therapist, embodiment facilitator, somatic bodyworker, award-winning music maker, conscious DJ and writer. He’s the creator of Pleasure Medicine, a bi-weekly connection workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men in London that blends conscious movement with embodied connection.
With over a decade of experience as a facilitator and therapist, Gary is devoted to helping gay men unlock their pleasure centres, soften shame and rediscover joy, intimacy and sensuality through dance, touch and celebratory sexuality.
He is a guest columnist for queer culture magazines and writes personal essays, opinion pieces and cultural reflections, always from the perspective of being in the waters with the reader, trying to work it all out together.
Connect with Gary:
- Book your ‘Pleasure Medicine’ ticket: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk
- Get your free E-Guide ‘Stop The Scroll: Create A Dating Profile That Attracts The Right Men — the 3311 formula that creates a standout bio and makes men message’ https://www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk/bio
