First, let me explain what my interpretation of sober is. In short, for me, it means no drink and no drugs. However, I do buy poppers, I realise they also have an effect, but to me, they do not have the same effect, and I have a very different relationship with poppers versus drink and drugs. When I say sober sex, for me, that meant no drinking or drugs at all. It is a catalyst for getting into situations that often lead to sex, in my experience.
Why did I want to have sober sex?
I started when I asked myself the question. When did I last have sex sober? I couldn’t remember, and that shocked me and made me think. Also, I often do things in excess, too much drink and sometimes drugs. Many a time this resulted in the walk of shame home, and it was getting me down. I was disappointed with myself and hated how I could only operate at 50% the following days. An effect that a bottle of Liquid Gold poppers could never have. In addition, I was becoming a nuisance to my friends. Flaky when it came to keeping appointments and not really “in the room” when we did get together. One morning, I woke up in a stranger’s house, again! Not remembering how I got there or what had happened, I thought, Enough! So, sober I went.
So, how did it go?
Eventually, amazing, but let’s start at the beginning. OMG, it was so hard. I did not want to go out anywhere where there was drink or drugs. Somehow, I felt unfunny, boring and moody. It is funny that once you stop, you start realising that the relationship you had with it is so much stronger than you thought. At least, that was the case for me. Staying in was the new going out. Luckily, I work for esmale, a well-known gay erotic shop, so I had plenty of toys, lube and kinky stuff to keep me from needing other sexual relief. Of course, that is no replacement for the real thing, no matter how good the toys are or how strong the poppers might be. So, I eased myself back into some sort of social life, and after a while, I actually started feeling better. What helped a lot is that after being sober for a while, my sleep got so much better, and my energy levels increased a lot. I found myself back to a degree and slowly started going out again. My first hook-up was odd; it felt a little like I needed to learn how to have sex again. My confidence was low, and I was very self-aware. Luckily, he was a great guy, but still, it felt a bit unnatural, whereas I hoped it would have been the opposite. I realised how drinking and drugs have been in charge of how I “play”. I needed a complete reset.
It took a while, but I slowly found out again what intimacy was and what I actually enjoy. On occasion, I still get the urge to use drink or drugs. It has landed me in some very steamy situations that I did enjoy. I now need to learn to replicate that, but sober. The main thing I needed was more confidence. Confidence in my body, expressing my desires, and being OK with sometimes being the only one in the room that is sober. That last bit was a bit triggering, and I must admit I do now try to focus on creating opportunities where everybody is sober.
However, when you are out and about and the mood takes you, it does not always work out that way. I now feel strong enough in myself to be OK with other people doing things their way, as long as they respect me in doing it the way I want. My limit is some strong poppers.
Fast forward to now
It is hard not to preach, so all I will say is this. I am such a better version of myself, and I want everybody to be theirbest selves. But we are all on our own journey, so you do you. For me, I love sex again. Most of the time, it feels more intimate, and I feel in charge of what I allow to happen. My sleep is amazing; my energy levels are high, and my connections with my friends and family are deeper. Yes, there are moments that I miss certain things, but never enough to go back there. Being sober was supposed to be temporary, but not anymore. I am staying sober!
Working for esmale.com was a bit of a blessing; I had access to amazing gay sex toys and poppers. It helped me realise how good sex feels and spurred me on to find the real thing again. I mean, I love using toys, but not as a replacement, always as an addition. If you need some of that as well, then these are the shops to go to.
For poppers, go visit: https://www.poppersupershop.com/
For adult tools and kink, visit: https://www.esmale.com/
With love,
Oliver
Team esmale.com
