A year ago I had 6 guys booked on the morning of my first ever Pleasure Medicine workshop for gay men and I was going to cancel from the cringeyness of such low numbers. But my bestie encouraged me to show up for those 6 souls. By doors open, the numbers had doubled to 12.
Pleasure Medicine is a connection workshop and sober conscious dance for gay men in East London. Every two weeks for a year, we’ve gathered for hours of connection, embodied dance, magic, joy and delight. Numbers have fluctuated between sold out at 30+ and as few as 8. And every single session has taught me something profound and valuable.
Here’s what I’ve learned…
1. Community doesn’t exist by default. It’s created.
I hear people say “the gay community” all the time. But what gay community are they talking about?
There are places gay people go. There are spaces gay people hang out in. But gay people in a space together doesn’t make a community.
Community is a feeling, an experience, an energy that is created and cultivated. It changes lives. It has values at its heart. The values of Pleasure Medicine are kindness, care, connection and safety for authentic self-expression. And every part of every session is built around those values.
Something magical happens when men gather who all want the same thing: belonging rather than fitting in, authenticity, warmth and togetherness.
2. Community is not consumed. It’s co-created.
As gay men we are accustomed to consumption; scrolling, sex, partying. And while all that is fun, and I enjoy those things myself, real community is co-created by everyone in it rather than only consumed.
I haven’t “created a community.” The community has been co-created by the men who show up and pour themselves into it.
Something radical happens at Pleasure Medicine. We open into true connection, real self-love, joy-filled self-expression through dance. The men that come are forming friendships, seeing others in a wider, deeper and more tender way. Age, body type and the physical sexual currency we usually use drops away. What’s left are human beings ready for connection.
3. It’s not always about numbers. It’s about impact.
For the first six months I fretted over this not being a viable business. Sometimes I made fifty quid, sometimes I made a loss. But as the community grew and poured their love into our family, I realised the pounds and pennies pale in comparison to the impact on the gay men who attend.
The unmeasurable metrics are what matter now. How many men are sharing their story, finally feeling seen, showing up as their true selves? That’s what I keep track of now.
One man has been to almost every session over the last year. When he first came he struggled to express the joy and playfulness that was hiding inside him. He’d share in the closing circle that he struggled to dance how he really wanted to, mostly because of his battle with his more feminine and expressive side being shut down.
Over the year I’ve watched him come out of his shell, blossom and become someone at the heart of our community. This is value of consistency, showing up and working through what is hard for us!
4. You must have values, boundaries and principles.
When you lead a community you must have a set of values at the heart of it. They become the North Star for every decision. Ours are simple: kindness, care and connection. Don’t mistake simplicity for the power a value can hold.
Pleasure Medicine is a non-sexual space. While dance can evoke intimacy and sensuality, we are not a dark room or a space to get sexual. We are focused on connection through shared joy, dance and vulnerability. And that boundary is what creates the safety for men to truly let go and be themselves.
5. My advice for anyone creating gay community
Show up consistently, even when the numbers are low. Build your values first and let the community grow around them. Remember that the intimate low number sessions teach you things you can’t learn at scale. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s. And find your village, the person or people who hold space for you to hold space for others. Nothing of any value is done alone.
If a year of building gay community has taught me one thing, it’s this: every time I’ve shown up for whatever number of men are in the room, something extraordinary has happened. And I believe that’s true for anyone brave enough to create the space they wish existed.
Gary Albert is the founder of Pleasure Medicine, a connection workshop and sober conscious dance for gay men in East London.
Find out more at pleasuremedicine.co.uk
