As I stand and watch the circle of gay men at Pleasure Medicine (my connection workshop and conscious dance experience for gay men in East London), I invite them to do something that would have terrified me in the past: look each other in the eyes without trying to impress, seduce or hide.
No profiles to swipe. No torso shots to judge. No ghosting. No hiding. No carefully curated Instagram stories.
We stand, face to face, vulnerably in our shorts and t-shirts, remembering what it feels like to connect as human beings rather than sexual commodities.
This is the opening connection workshop at Pleasure Medicine. And it’s become one of the most powerful, and according to feedback from participants, a favourite part of our gatherings. Why? Because it’s giving them something they’ve been searching for their whole lives.
The Friendship Famine
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: most gay men I know are starving for genuine male friendship and connection. There’s something we are seeking beyond the hookups, the swiping, the work drama and constant scanning for the next hot guy and the desire to be seen ourselves.
We need something that transcends all that…
What about that deep, vulnerable, non-sexual intimacy with other men? It’s become as rare as a decent conversation on Grindr!
Most of us are done with swimming in the shallow end of the pool…
We want genuine vulnerability. We want to fee safe to express ourselves and talk about real needs? We want to hold space for each other’s sensitivity. We want to have fun and let our inner child out to play, to let our feminine express as well as our masculine.
The problem isn’t that we don’t want deeper connections. It’s that we’ve forgotten how to create them. Somewhere between coming out and learning to navigate gay culture, many of us missed the class on platonic male intimacy…
The Competition Complex
Gay culture, for all its fabulous qualities, can be brutally competitive. We’re comparing bodies, careers, relationship statuses, sexual conquests, social media followings. We judge each others torso snaps and cock size. And we compare ourselves to the point of unworthiness, of even being looked at by another man.
So many of us are sizing each other up as potential sexual partners, romantic rivals or social assets.
In this environment, genuine friendship becomes almost revolutionary. Because real friendship requires showing up as you actually are, not as the version you think will win the game.
I learned this the hard way. For years, I performed a version of myself I thought everyone wanted. The character I’d become accustomed to. I was the funny one, the spiritual one, the one who had his shit together. I gave advice but rarely asked for help. I entertained but seldom shared what was really going on beneath the surface. And all I craved was for a man to look at me, smile at me, want me, desire me.
And I spent most of my time in the gay scene trying to win all that.
It was exhausting. Depressing even.
The Eye Contact Experiment
Back to our Pleasure Medicine studio in East London. Before the conscious, substance free dance with live DJ set, we begin with something deceptively simple. I call it the ‘Meet Every Man’ game.
A 3-minute piece of music during which you have to meet every single man in the room by exchanging a smile, a high five, a hug if it feels right, a bum bump or a quick fun dance. You tune into the energy of the person you’re meeting and see what wants to emerge.
This simple game immediately breaks down the walls you walk in with. You know that feeling of entering a space filled with other gay men. The way our eyes dart around the room sizing everyone up, wondering who’s there that you’ll fancy or who will fancy you, wanting to be seen. And then we don’t even let ourselves make proper eye contact because we fear rejection. We don’t strike up that conversation. We don’t smile. We don’t connect.
I wonder how many lost opportunities?
Well, at Pleasure Medicine you are specifically guided through a set of practices to meet everyone in the room in a slow, intentional, fun and new way.
You’re invited to think of it as just meeting a new friend. No potential hook up, no love at first sight, just a new friend.
There are gentle eye contact practices, sharing answers to deeper questions with each other and gentle clothed touch and massage practices.
You’d think these connection practices would be easy for a community of men who spend a considerable amount of their time looking at other men.
But the reality is that most of our looking is objectifying. We’re assessing, judging, fantasising, lusting. Not only do we swipe in the apps, but we swipe, in our minds, in real life too.
We rarely simply witness and truly meet each other on a level playing field. It’s as if we cast aside a potential new friend or platonic connection simply because they don’t pass the test: “if I don’t fancy them, I’m not interested”.
So much lost potential for friendship, connection and camaraderie.
The first few minutes are always awkward. Nervous laughter, looking away, the urge to make a joke or break the tension. But then something shifts. The masks start to drop. The eyes start to widen and sparkle and the smiles star to spread. You start to see past the curated exterior to something more real, innocent and more beautiful.
“I’ve never just looked at a man without wanting or needing something from him,” one participant told me after his first session. “I stopped trying to work out if he fancied me, or if I fancied him, or how I compared to him or anyone else in the room”
“This gives me hope for our community” another shared.
That’s when I knew we were onto something important and different.
Friend, F**k or Foe?
One of the most damaging myths in gay culture is that men can only relate to each other in two ways: as sexual partners, as casual friends or as enemies!
There’s this assumption that deep intimacy between men must be romantic or sexual, or at the other end, bitchy and unkind.
But what about the space in between? What about friendships that are emotionally intimate, physically affectionate and vulnerably honest without being sexual?
In our connection workshop, we practice this middle ground. We share what’s really going on in our lives. We offer each other physical touch; a hand on the shoulder or heart, a genuine hug, sitting close together back to back or chest to chest.
It’s not therapy and it’s not speed dating. It’s something our culture has almost forgotten how to name: deep intimate friendship and fun between men.
The Vulnerability Challenge
Real friendship requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires safety. But how do we create safety in a culture that’s often based on judgment, comparison, performance and a stressful focus on sex.
It starts with one person willing to go first. To share something real. To admit struggle. To ask for help. To show up imperfectly. To just be themselves.
A lot of the guys who attend Pleasure Medicine who learn this start changing how they show up in all their relationships. They become more authentic with their partners, more genuine with their existing friends, more open to forming new connections and more courageous in the gay scene.
They discover that real strength comes from vulnerability, real confidence from authenticity, real attractiveness from being genuinely themselves.
Cultivating Connection
You don’t need a formal workshop to start cultivating deeper male friendships. But you do need intention. Here are some ways to begin:
- Start with honesty: Next time a friend asks how you are, try giving a real answer instead of “yeah, fine” or “busy with work”
- Create ritual: Regular walks, monthly dinners, morning coffee. Consistent time together without distractions or substances and alcohol.
- Practice appreciation: Tell your male friends what you value about them, what they bring to your life. Men rarely hear this from each other.
- Ask for and give help: Let your friends support you in small ways. It creates intimacy and gives them the gift of feeling needed. Offer the same back.
- Share your struggles and dreams: Not just your dating dramas or work struggles, but your real fears, hopes, desires and challenges.
The Revolution of Real Gay Friendship
In a world that’s increasingly isolated, screen-mediated and based on swipes, deep friendship between men is a radical act. It’s a declaration that we’re more than our individual achievements, our relationship status, our bodies or our sexual desirability.
We’re human beings who need each other, not only to thrive but to survive. We are men who can care for each other. Who can create communities of support that don’t depend on anything other than a desire to connect and be together.
The gay men who show up to Pleasure Medicine aren’t coming to learn how to dance or move their bodies. They’re remembering how to be friends and how to see each other beyond the surface level nonsense. They’re learning how to create intimacy that nourishes the heart and soul without complicating the heart.
And in a culture that often reduces us to purely to our sexuality, that might be the most revolutionary thing of all…
About Gary
Gary is a therapist, embodiment facilitator, somatic erotic bodyworker, award-winning music maker, conscious DJ and writer. He’s the creator of Pleasure Medicine, a bi-weekly sensuality workshop and ecstatic dance for gay men in London that blends conscious movement with intimate, embodied connection.
With over a decade of experience as a therapist, Gary is devoted to helping gay men unlock their pleasure centers, soften shame and rediscover joy, intimacy and sensuality through dance, touch and celebratory sexuality.
He is a guest columnist for queer culture magazines and writes personal essays, opinion pieces and cultural reflections—always from the perspective of being in the waters with the reader, trying to work it all out together.
Connect with Gary:
- Book your ‘Pleasure Medicine’ ticket: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk
- Join ‘The Pleasure Portal’, weekly conscious self-pleasure practices, sexy soul notes, soundtracks and general spiritual gay stuff going on in your inbox: www.pleasuremedicine.co.uk/pleasure-portal
- Connect on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/pleasuremedicinedance
