I’ve been running community spaces for gay men for almost 2 years now, and I’ve learned a thing or two about what we are seeking, but it’s hard to find.
And it’s not wanting to be sexy or desired, wanted or validated. For most of us, it’s even more important than a relationship.
Those things are certainly some of our desires too, but our true needs go even deeper than that.
Here are the 3 things we all crave but find difficult to make happen.
Platonic Friendship
Gay men are starving for friendship with other men that isn’t sexualised or competitive.
We’ve created an entire culture around sex, dating and desirability. We’ve got that down! But now there’s a huge gap in simple, ordinary, platonic friendship.
The infrastructure for friendship beyond sex doesn’t exist in most gay spaces. Strike up a conversation with a guy in a bar, and immediately there’s the tension of “do we fancy each other?”
I’ve had men come to my community, Pleasure Medicine, and say, “I’ve never had a real gay friend”. And they don’t mean someone you hook up with once or see around the scene.
We’ve become isolated by the very culture that’s supposed to connect us!
My mission is to build community spaces where platonic connection and friendship come first. Maybe other things come from that, for sure, but we need spaces to relax our nervous systems first and connect on a level playing field.
A Safe Space to Express Your True Self
Early on we learn that being gay ‘means something’ specific. A type, a look, a voice, the way we move, an energy. We tend to perform that version of ourselves in gay spaces because that’s what we think is required of us to be accepted.
Some guys perform masculinity. Some hide their femininity. We edit and change how we move, talk, and walk. Most of us are trying to perform whatever version of gay we think will be accepted or desired in the space we are in.
But we are many things. Many, many more things that we let ourselves be.
We are soft and strong. We are introverted and extroverted. We are confident and shy. We believe in ourselves, and we doubt ourselves. We are funny and serious. We are grounded and masculine, playful and feminine. We have all kinds of archetypes within us that want to play.
We’ve become accustomed to picking one and sticking with it. What we desire is a space where we can move between all of it. Where being soft one moment and strong the next doesn’t feel like a betrayal of identity. Where masculinity and femininity aren’t at odds, they’re just different parts of the same person. And that requires a space built specifically for that. And it’s exactly what we are creating at Pleasure Medicine. One guy said at the end, “I’ve never felt so safe to be my full self around other gay men”
Belonging Rather Than Fitting In
The biggest lesson I’ve learned over the last year and a half running Pleasure Medicine is the difference between fitting in and belonging.
Fitting in means you’ve adapted yourself enough that you’re tolerated. That you’re acceptable. That you’re not rejected.
You’ve learned the rules, you perform them well, you’ve gotten away with it. But you’re not your authentic self.
Belonging, however, means you can show up as you are and people want you there exactly like that. Nothing else.
You fit in if you’re the right age, the right body type, the right level of attractiveness, if you perform the right version of gayness. Change any of those things, and you’re out…
But belonging? Belonging is a rare thing.
I didn’t realise how rare it is until I started creating community for gay men. Where a 68-year-old man is just as welcome as a 22-year-old. Where all body types are comfortable. Where all cultures and colours of GBTQ+ men are celebrated. Where being shy, serious, or introverted is totally fine.
The moment we experience real belonging, a wave of relief washes through our system. It’s the thing we’ve been looking for our whole lives but never found… until now.
Why This Is Essential Now
We talk a lot about gay culture and gay community, but we’re often not building spaces that address our deepest, underlying needs.
We’re building spaces around sex, around being seen, around desirability. And it’s not that those things aren’t important. But we have them now. We’ve got them. 10/10! They’re not what’s missing. What’s missing is true friendship, safety to be ourselves and belonging.
As a community organiser, that’s what I’m building. Not perfect spaces, but intentional ones. Spaces where men can come for platonic connection with other gay men and where all the versions of themselves are welcome. And where they feel they belong.
The response has been overwhelming. Once you experience real belonging, once you have true gay friends, once you feel safe being all of yourself around other men, you never want to go back, and it feels divine!
Love Gary
Gary is a community creator for gay men, embodiment facilitator and somatic therapist. Pleasure Medicine is his twice-monthly community space for connection and sober dance to house and disco music.
