11/02/12: WARLet battle commence! Forget the World Wars, Vietnam and any conflicts created to ensure Western control of oil shipments.

The Great War of Shoreditch 2012 may have only lasted seven hours, but the carnage it left in its wake decimated the clubbing landscape and brought Gayland to its knees.

Sergeant Kris Di Angelis, 87, masterminded an operation of military proportions, as Corporal Severino and Lance Corporal James Pople served-up a session of the coolest cuts and bomb-dropping beats to an army of horny hipsters and mouthwatering whorebitch ravers.

Reinforcements came in the form of LieuTRANant General Munroe Bergdorf, the (oh-so) Major Kingsley Jordan Wells and Brigadier Blatt, (known simply as ‘Our Mel’ to the boys in the barracks) formerly of the All Saints Platoon.


Privates JJ Clark and Alex Collins enticed civilians to join the War effort as boogie woogie bugle boy Jonathan Bestley became the force’s sweetheart, keeping morale boosted with her secret weapon – the drinks tickets of doom!

Disgraced colonel Mad Dan Cleland has been known to fall victim to a dishonourable discharge or two, but valiantly distracted the enemy with a seemingly endless supply of laughing gas.

Come 6am, the clubbing casualties bravely staggered out of East Bloc, waving their victory flags and ready to regroup at the nearest chillout. Is any war just? Maybe not, but this War was just fabulous!

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East Bloc, 217 City Road, Old Street
Words by Officer Lee Dalloway of the Dudley Squadron
Photos by Lefteris Primos