From red-faced wardrobe malfunctions to awkward faux pas, it’s not always plain sailing for the queens of our stage out there in cabaret-land. But it’s all just in a night’s work. Ordinarily you just hear about how fabulous a show was, with a gush here and a gush there, but this week Jason Reid finds out from six cabaret stars what’s the most embarrassing situation they’ve ever found themselves in while performing…
Mitzi Macintosh
During a pratfall in a show I put my hand down before my bum hit the floor, only to realise five minutes later that my wrist was more than a little sprained. I thought it would save time and might get me rushed through by a “friendly” nurse if I stayed in drag. I sat in the A&E of one of Sydney’s busiest hospitals at 2am with aggressive drunks all around me, a gang shooting to my right, a disgusted mother with a sick three year old opposite, and me looking like a gay clown with no male nurses to help. The embarrassment was drawn out until 9am when the first theatre became available and they could reset my wrist and insert two metal pins.
Meth
During a particularly energetic rendition of my ‘Bat Out of Hell’ spot, on All Hallows’ Eve no less, my usual flailing around became somewhat more frantic after I took a slip in a puddle – caused by a leaky smoke machine (rumour has it someone had urinated in the machine leading to a series of unfortunate malfunctions). To add insult to injury, Miss Cairo and Bourgeoisie were in the audience, and, of course, began to howl with laughter. Once I’d recovered and finished the number I remedied the situation by admitting my failings and reminding everyone watching that should news get out I would utterly destroy them by tearing their souls out through their mouths and making a soup from the tears of their grieving loved ones. The same goes for anyone reading this.
Tiffaney Wells
Back in the day I was performing at a pub in the East End of London, and in the middle of singing ‘New York, New York’ I went to kick my leg up (in a vack of my stiletto got stuck in the back of my blue sequin dress. It took me five looooooong minutes to prize it free, so I had to stand there on one foot singing for the duration. As they say: “The show must go on.”
La Voix
Not that long ago, I was booked to do a surprise show singing at a gay wedding at the Royal Academy of Arts. I pulled up in full drag, on a rickshaw that was blaring techno music, leaped out, burst into the wedding and shouted “Hello darlings” only to be met with looks of complete horror and silence. The rickshaw driver had mistakenly dropped me at the Royal SOCIETY of Arts – a completely different venue – which happened to have a straight wedding reception in full swing. I made a swift and cringey exit, screaming “Stooooooop” down the street to the rickshaw driver. The poor bride will surely never forget her big day now.
Lady La Rue
In the early days of my cabaret career I was still pretty ‘green’ and during one show I had a girl from the audience, probably early thirties, up on stage who I’d been bantering with throughout. The rest of the audience and her friends were lapping it up. Anyway, I glanced down to the top of her dress and noticed a piece of loo paper hanging out of the top of her bra.
“Look at this girls!” I exclaimed, “She’s been padding her tits out, just like me!”
It was at this point that the dear girl whispered discretely in my ear to tell me she’d recently had a double mastectomy. To say I was mortified was putting it mildly. Fortunately, she was most gracious about the whole thing and realised my innocent mistake, laughing it off. I learned more that night than I have in any other.
Jeff Kristian
As part of my big finale, in a show back in the early 80s, I had to come down a small staircase through the live band to a narrow stage. However, on one occasion an over-zealous roadie was a little too heavy on the smoke machine. I completely missed the top step, in a tight costume, and plummeted, knocking the mic stand into the audience. Costume and lip split. Everyone laughed, no bastard helped!
