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Christmas is coming, Oxford Street looks like a scene from 28 Days Later and your mum is hassling you about making sure you don’t miss that last train to hers (again) on Christmas Eve. Alternatively, stick two fingers up to all that festive spirit sh*t, and indulge in one of the many queer’d-up panto’s taking place across Londonium over the coming weeks featuring some of our most spectacular drag queen stars…

• A LAD IN TIGHTS
• The Prince of Wales, 150 Drury Lane, WC2
• 2nd December – 4th January
• Tues-Thurs, 9pm. Fri, 4pm & 7pm. Sat, 6pm. Sun, 7pm.
• Tickets: £18, bit.ly/QXalit

A Lad In Tights may sound like every crazy chill out you’ve ever been to, but it is in fact the new pantomime from the creators of Sinderfella. Forget the characters you’d usually expect and welcome Widow Wankey, Wishee Washee and Princess Nymphomaniac. With rising drag star Stephanie Von Clitz in the title role. We can’t wait for their renditions of ‘Material Girl’ and ‘YMCA’. As an adult’s-only panto, children and prudes can keep walking.


• ALADDIN
• Shaw Theatre, 100-110 Euston Road, Regents Park, NW1 2AJ
• 13th December-5th January, show times vary
• Tickets: £21.50, bit.ly/QXaladd

This year’s panto stars the fabulous La Voix – who many of you will recognize, not only from the stages of Soho and south London, but also Britain’s Got Talent. She’ll headline as Aladdin’s mother Widow Twankey – and will no doubt be blowing Agraba with those powerful pipes of hers! Prepare for “Vaudeville meets Disney”.


• TREASURE ISLAND – THE CURSE OF THE PEARL NECKLACE
• Above the Stag Theatre, Arch 17, Miles Street, • Vauxhall, SW8 1RZ
• 28th November–10th January, Tues–Sat, 7.30pm. Sun, 6pm
• Tickets: £18, abovethestag.com

Jim Hawkins is looking for adventure – and apparently not the kind you find on hook-up apps. Tired of swallowing seamen’s stories (among other things, we’d imagine) he gets his hands on a sailor’s chest before following the mysterious treasure map. But will John Silver, the disabled pirate, (*wonders if they’ve cast Glendora*) stand in the way of his riches, sunshine and scantily-clad paradise?


• ONCE UPON A DREAM…
AN ADULT GOTHIC FAIRY TALE PANTOMINE
• Two Brewers, 114 Clapham High Street, SW4 7UJ
• 8th–18th December
• Tickets: www.the2brewers.com

God, that one’s more of a mouthful than Jared Leto. Won’t be attempting to say that after a few vodkas. Spike Rhodes’ third annual pantomime is based in part on Sleeping Beauty and mega-bitch Maleficent. For strictly over 18s, it’s set be rude and crude with fab musical numbers – just the way we like it. Returning acts include Rose Garden, Craig-ErBell, Nick Sweeney and Morag Mcduff. Also with Tanya Hyde, Cathy Creamy and Bambi Boo.


• JACK! SISSY THAT STALK
• Royal Vauxhall Tavern, 372 Kennington Lane, Vauxhall, SE11
• 3rd December–8th January, 8pm
• Tickets: £12, bit.ly/QXjack

Jack Trotts is a wannabe YouTube sensation in a quest for fame (just release your nude pics, babe!) when Count Fleshcreep – who you may have seen lurking in the sauna – attempts to fleece the broke-ass Dame Trotts. Jill marvels at the magic Mother Nature like it’s raining diamonds, while you lot get sloshed at the bar. Sounds like an absolute riot to us! Andy McCleod, Lucy Frederick, Myra DuBois, Ginger Johnson and Harry Clayton Wright star.


• SLEEPING BOOTY
• Leicester Square Theatre, 6 Leicester Place, WC2H 7BX
• 25th November-17th January, show times vary
• Tickets: £15 – £22, leicestersquaretheatre.com

From the creators of the critically acclaimed Dick! (LOLZ), comes this year’s Sleeping Booty. Dusty O plays Evil Mangelina who wreaks havoc over perverted pantoland, until the skanky ladette Booty arrives to unknowingly ruin it all. Her booty is her magical asset, and she encounters a number of characters along the way, including Fairy Muff, Prince Willie Wontie and You Look Familiar (hmm, sounds familiar to us).

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